Whenever a gay Mormon hits the media spotlight, I follow their story. Why? Because each story unfolds differently and reminds me that what we all want from life is a good life. (Another reason is I feel more and more relieved as I see attitudes and understanding change: Mormon families are becoming more and more accepting and the LDS church is becoming less and less harsh.) Recently, Jimmy Hales (the gay Mormon who hit the spotlight after filming himself coming out) shared this song, and the song took me down memory lane.
People who haven’t asked questions about how I got to where I am might assume I got to where I am because I fornicated and lost touch with God, or that I drank alcohol, or that I drank coffee, or that I had some secret party life I didn’t tell anyone about. Hopefully, this blog post will shed light on what actually happened. (And I’ll add a similar warning that this is the path I chose that was right for me and may not be right for everyone).
“I never thought this would be my story.”
When I took Russian courses and the topic of gay marriage came up, I never thought I’d be walking down the streets of Alexandria with a classmate and my husband.
When I back packed across Europe with a friend from the mission, I never thought I’d be walking the Freedom Trail in Boston with her and my husband.
When I walked the streets of Estonia with a mission companion, I never thought I’d attend a soccer game with him and my fiancé.
“However we go, we’ll hear ‘this is wrong’”
When I was alone with my religious beliefs, I heard it was wrong just to be me.
When I found people who were like me, they said it was wrong to be around gays.
“I’m used to being pushed away, so I’m not used to this… Sitting here we both feel this is actually real, not a fantasy.”
My religion taught me that when I fell in love, my life would be full of darkness and I’d get AIDS and die (slight exaggeration, but you get the point). What actually happened was I was full of happiness, and my family noticed. Not to be too gay about it, but this is what it was like:
That video clip is the opposite of an exaggeration (an underexageration?). I had never understood love songs. I had never understood gooshy movies. I didn’t understand what the big deal was. And that all changed in an instant and ushered in new questions, one of which was: If Mormons were wrong about love, are they wrong about other things too?
I’m not suggesting anyone question their faith in the Mormon church. I am suggesting that being a gay Mormon is a challenging and complex situation that isn’t understood well enough right now. In short, I agree with Jimmy:
“This needs to change; we need your help, even if sympathy is all you can offer.”
I first heard of Jimmy Hales’ coming out video on Facebook from a group of gay Mormons (some former and some current). Comments ranged from “that’s cute” to “whatever” to “meh”. It’s nothing new to those who know what’s going in the gay Mormon world. For us, it’s another gay Mormon testifying to the world he’ll be faithful to a belief system that misrepresents “the gay lifestyle”. For us, it’s another gay Mormon blogger who’ll be in the spotlight for a while and then disappear. Where he ends up, no one knows. In other words, we sense a familiar trepidation when he responds to questions like, “Do you think you can really stay celibate your entire life?”
Gay Mormon and BYU student, Jimmy Hales, comes out on YouTube.
I was like him at one point in my life. I might have been him if I hadn’t given up so easily on learning the ins and outs of Final Cut. I understand the conflict between wanting to live what your religion teaches you is the better path and what your heart tells you is the happier path. I understand what it feels like to think the only way you’re going to make it as a single, celibate, gay Mormon is to make a name for yourself, to be vociferous proponent of the “Mormon lifestyle” in tacit opposition of the “gay lifestyle”.
According to the LDS (Mormon) Church, same-sex attraction is a trial or test and an “eternal perspective” will help you remain celibate.
To understand where Jimmy is coming from (and where I was coming from a number of years ago), there are a few things you need to understand about Mormon beliefs and Mormon lore. According to Mormon beliefs, being gay is the most difficult “test” you can have in mortal life. Everyone must undergo some form of a test — and come off conquerer — to make it to heaven, and gay Mormons will only make it to heaven if they marry someone of the opposite sex or remain celibate. One gay Mormon put it this way:
Mormons believe acting on same-sex attraction will send you to hell.
According to Mormon lore, there’s this thing called “the gay lifestyle”. It’s all about sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll — a constant party of seduction, sin, and sex. It will destroy other types of families (e.g., “traditional” families) and freedom (e.g., religious freedom). (See the LDS Church’s newsroom for more info). It’s a major assumption of many Mormon comments on social media.
Gay Mormons are caught up in this war of belief and lore. At least I know I was. We were taught to have a negative view of gay relationships. They’re only based on lust. Gays only want to get married because they want to have lots and lots of sex. Gays kiss because they can’t control their appetite for sin. You sense these types of beliefs in this quote from a gay Mormon blogger:
“The first time I saw two guys kissing was an interesting event in my life. I had seen normal kisses before in movies, paintings, photos, and in real life at weddings or just watching my parents… I did a double-take. This wasn’t the kiss of husband and wife when they’ve made covenants to serve God and each other for eternity. This was a passionate kiss between two men who were glorifying the natural man”
These beliefs and lore kept me from a lot of good experiences for a number of years. I thought dating men would lead me down a path of lasciviousness. I was afraid I’d become addicted to sex, that I’d start taking drugs, and that I’d become a drunk. I’d feel empty and hollow for the rest of my life.
To understand some of the blow back Jimmy Hales is getting from a morally decaying world, you have to understand where others of us are coming from. A lot of people, like me, know what Jimmy is missing out on. It’s a difficult thing to be celibate for life. And I’m not talking refraining from sex. I’m talking about refraining from all the experiences of falling in love, breaking up, and marriage. And I think it’s safe to say a lot of people are skeptical about whether this kid has really been in love before and what will happen to his resolve when he falls in love.
At some point I thought more critically of my situation and decided I would give “the gay lifestyle” a shot. The first step was challenging all these beliefs and lore about the gay lifestyle. The basic assumption that drove me was something along the lines of dating just like my straight friends date, follow a similar moral code, and see what happens. And something did happen. The more I dated, the more I realized how false all those beliefs were. I started to feel everything portrayed in chic flick and love songs. I felt love (or as Mormons are prone to say “romantic” love; see this blog post by Mormon Carol Lynn Pearson).
I remember talking to a Mormon friend on the phone shortly after my first kiss. She advised me on all the bad things that will happen because of what I had done. I don’t remember much of what she said because when I thought about that kiss I couldn’t stop thinking about how awesome it was (in a romantic way). Through typical dating experiences, I started to realize more and more that love is love.
Falling in love with Dan led me to my second coming out. It was one thing to come out as a gay Mormon with the resolve to be faithful in the Mormon sense and it was another thing to come out as a gay man in love. Whether Jimmy stays strong to his resolve to stay faithful to his belief system or comes out a second time (as I did), I wish him well.
I really liked this interview with Joanna Brooks by Kendal Wilcox as part of the Far Between project. Wilcox asks Brooks, “What do you think it’s like to be gay and Mormon?” Brooks replies, “I can’t say for sure, but I think it must be something like this…” and goes on to explain how she felt at BYU when feminists were excommunicated. She really connected to the gay Mormon experience through her own experiences and demonstrates a keen sense of empathy and understanding. This one is worth a watch.
Here’s an experience from a former (gay) Mormon and his efforts to help Minnesotans United for All Families ban a proposed constitutional amendment (similar to Prop. 8 in California) in his state. A commenter asked how he feels about opposing his church’s (the LDS Church) efforts to ban same-sex marriage–or rather how he can “feel so warmly” towards a church that treats him and his husband like second-class citizens.
Considering the question for myself makes me a little emotional. It reminds me of how I felt when I really examined questions about blacks in the early church. I felt like I had been lied to by a trusted friend, like I had been deceived. There I was in church hearing one side of the story while others documented their side of the story, which is far more compelling. My answers to the questions above tend to be pretty negative, but here’s what the blogger had to say:
I love and want to be a part of the LDS Church for the same reason that I want to be married: because I have faith in our ability to grow and become better, more loving people through the commitments we make to each other. Both forms of commitment are an expression of my faith in and love for God.
I guess that’s a pretty fair statement. Through our commitment, Dan and I have become better people. We’ve grown closer and more committed. To those who want to become better people through their commitment to their respective churches, I salute and support you. As you commit to your church, please consider how your faith might impact the extent to which gay couples can commit.
Just like members of the LDS Church in California were urged to vote Yes on 8, members in Minnesota are being urged to vote in favor of a constitutional amendment that affirms one-man, one-woman marriages are the only marriages to be recognized in Minnesota. A blogger in Minnesota shared her experience when the letter was read over the pulpit:
“I have a letter to read from the stake presidency”. Those words rarely precede anything good in my experience. Such was the case last Sunday. Typically, edicts come down from the LDS first presidency (the head honchos in SLC). So whatever came next was going to be Minnesota related. That could only mean one thing. dun dun DUUUUN… WE CAN’T LET THE GAYS DESTROY THE FAMILY!
I could feel my blood pressure rising as I braced myself for whatever rhetoric was about to be unleashed. The gist of the letter was an explanation of the ballot initiative next November – if it passes, the state constitution would amend article XIII to read, “Only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in Minnesota.” The letter did not come out and say which way to vote but the underlying message was clear. We were advised to remember the family is a fundamental unit of society and to read the Proclamation on the Family and prayerfully consider how to get involved. It concluded with a reminder that church buildings and directories are not to be used for political purposes – with this caveat – unless otherwise directed.
She also recalled that church members were encouraged to support DOMA, which I didn’t know. So, to my knowledge, the LDS Church has encouraged its members to vote against gay marriage in Hawaii, California, Minnesota, and it sounds like everywhere else when DOMA was up for debate.
It is important to be informed on issues that take away rights from others. If you’re LDS/Mormon, again, consider how your votes will impact other peoples’ lives and relationships.
Ira Glass interviewed a gay Mormon (Benny) on This American Life about his first crush and the lengths he went to to confront the person he was crushing on. The episode (#450) is titled So Crazy it Just Might Work. You can listen to it here.
gay Mormon conversation heart
Several themes are confronted in the interview. One is acknowledging to yourself that you aren’t attracted to women but to men. This part of the episode was like a walk down memory lane and helped me recall the time of life when I was uncertain about what was going on in the attraction/orientation department. Fortunately it was a long process for me. I realized early on that my peers talked about girls the way I felt about guys. It took some time before I was able to say “I’m gay” out loud, a little more time before I could write it to another person, even more time before I could say it to another person. And it’s taken decades to get to the point where it no longer matters to me what people think. Even then, I have occasional relapses. The first person I officially came out to (after my parents) was my friend “Jewel” in 9th grade. She was the only non-Mormon friend I had at the time. I wrote it to her in a note during geography class, and our teacher quickly confiscated the note after she read it. To this day I’m not sure whether the teacher read the note or threw it away.
Another theme touched on in the interview is dealing with your first crush and figuring out what all of that means. I don’t think I developed any real crushes until after my teenage years. At least not the kind of crush Benny referred to–the type of crush that completely consumes you. And even then, that crush paled in comparison to how I felt/feel about Dan. Early on in our relationship I used every free moment to keep in contact with Dan whether via text messages, email, or sneaking away from work or school for a break. Like Benny, I was (and still am) willing to pack up and head out at the drop of the hat if it meant I could see Dan. It’s funny what love does to you.
A theme that neither Benny nor Ira Glass discuss in great detail is what it’s like to be gay, in the closet, Mormon, and in love. I have a great deal of compassion for openly gay (believing) Mormons. It’s a difficult place to be in and no one really tells you how to process the feelings associated with crushes. Often times it feels like nothing really adds up: gay feelings are supposed to be carnal and devilish and not at all the same feelings you hear straight people sing about on the radio. God would never let you feel for another man the way straight people feel for each other. The feelings must be lust and must be fabricated by the devil himself; he’s trying to catch you in one of his snares. Other times it feels like no one really understands: the real gays seem to be on guard and maybe even threatened by your presence and/or religiosity, other gay Mormons seems to be defensive about why they aren’t open with family and friends, and the regular (straight) Mormons can’t always wrap their minds around the gay.
And that’s part of the story that’s super interesting. Benny lived with a straight, believing Mormon roommate named Parker who seemed completely supportive and understanding of Benny as he figured things out. Parker was willing to go pretty great (literal) distances with Benny to help him figure out the gay crush thing. That’s not something you hear about much. You’ll understand a little better when you learn what Parker was willing to go for his gay Mormon friend Benny on This American Life–something so crazy it just might work.
This story from the New York Times is all too familiar in the gay Mormon community: a gay man, who doesn’t understand his attractions for the same sex, marries a straight woman. (These marriages are referred to as mixed-orientation marriages.) When women are viewed as the ticket to heaven (or exaltation in the Celestial Kingdom), the situation can be quite complex. Emily Pearson, daughter of Carol Lynn Pearson, tells about her experience and the experience of her mom in her I’m an Ex-Mormon video.
“Don’t tell your conservative friends,” I reassure myself frequently. “They won’t understand,” I iterate to myself. Never until recently did it occur to me that the division between liberal and conservative is not scientific or mathematic. There are no controls for who and who will not be supportive. There are no equations to predict who will and who will not be your friend. And you never know which of your conservative friends will turn out to be statistically significant.
Recently, I decided to let my secret out in a public way. (I’m gay). I didn’t march down the street wearing a flamboyant feather boa. I just typed a few words, posted it to my blog, and posted a link on my Facebook page along with a new profile picture that would capture attention. Within hours my blog hit 100 views, which is 100 more views than prior. The most surprising thing is, most of the people who have commented — the largest group of people in fact — are those I met while living in Estonia.
~
“Don’t talk about it with your liberal friends. It will just confuse them,” I say to myself. Never until recently did it occur to me that maybe they don’t have any problem with it. You see, there’s just no way of knowing in advance who will care and who will not care and who will be confused and who will not be confused. I guess you could say I want to believe life is more simple when I label people based on where they come from, what they believe, who they associate with, where they hang out, and how much schooling they have to decide if they could possibly understand another secret I’ve keep from people.
Recently, a secular friend confronted me on this topic.
“You’re from Utah?”
“Yes.”
“And you were born here and raised here?”
“Yes.”
“So doesn’t that make you a … Mormon?”
“Yes.”
“But you’re gay!”
“Uh huh.”
“How can you be Mormon and gay? Don’t you know what the Mormon Church does to gay people? Did you see any of the Yes on 8 campaign material!?”
That’s not actually how the conversation went. But that’s how I expected it to go. I guess you could say I have a difficult time understanding how two of my worlds are compatible. My friends are Mormon. My family is Mormon. My co-workers are Mormon. So in most settings I wear my Mormon clothes and put on my Mormon face.
But… I’m no longer Mormon (or still am depending on how you define Mormon). I proselytized for the LDS Church in Estonia for two years. While there I built friendships with fellow missionaries and with the locals — all of whom knew me in a very different context. And, as expected, sometimes that context leaves me feeling like they can never know what’s going on in my life right now. “They’ll judge me. They’ll try to convince me I’m wrong. They’ll send the missionaries to my house. They’ll preach to me from The Miracle of Forgiveness (a Mormon classic which has some very strong wording against homosexuality) and tell me I’m going to hell.”
That’s not what happened, however, when I wrote my last blog post and let the secret out. I was surprised by the number of emails and comments from fellow missionaries and locals that were positive and supportive. Here are just a few of my favorites:
“Wow Ryan, what a wonderful, thoughtful post. Also, LOVE the picture of you and Dan holding hands.”
“Good post, well written… I hope everyone respects and accepts you.”
“Ryan, this is great! I love and support you!”
“You have always been and will continue to be an exceptional person.”
And my most favorite:
“I don’t know where your relationship with the Church is in all of this, but I want you to know that it doesn’t matter to me in the slightest. I’m proud of you for having come out… I have zero doubts you will always be the good man I knew in Estonia…”
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“Don’t tell them the truth. It will just confuse them; they won’t understand.” That’s what I’m thinking right now as I consider what I want to communicate to anyone who reads this blog that has concerns about what Mormons think and believe about people who fall into the LGBTQ category. It makes sense to me that people have concerns given the number of gay and lesbian Mormons who commit suicide. It makes sense that people are concerned given the frequency of prophetic announcements that gays and lesbians are a threat to the family and to religious freedom. Their concerns are valid and justified given the vigorous politicking of the LDS Church.
Despite all the horror stories I’ve heard (e.g., Mormon parents kicking gay and lesbian children out of their homes), and despite the concerns above, the Mormons I know are exceptionally supportive and accepting. I’ve tried to pin down and identify the characteristics of supportive and non-supportive Mormons. I can’t seem to pin down any common characteristics. You can’t tell by the way someone wears their hair that they will be supportive. You can’t tell by the way someone dresses that they won’t be supportive. It seems, rather, there are devils and angels among all groups of people. And when it comes to my Mormon friends and family, when you really love someone, you love them despite their sexual orientation. “It doesn’t change anything,” they reassure me as they grapple to understand and make sense of a world that doesn’t always fit into their belief system.
To all my Mormon friends and family who have been supportive, accepting, and encouraging: I’m glad I put my biases behind me and gave you the opportunity to demonstrate how statistically significant you are in my life.
I guess all it took to change my mind was getting to know you a little better by letting you get to know me a little better.
“As The Book of Mormon’s Elder Cunningham accidentally discovers, it doesn’t matter what people believe in if what they believe has the ability to unite them and inspire them to serve one another and love each other freely.”
unambiguous 