If same-sex marriage becomes legal then straight people will stop having babies and going to church

Years ago I participated in an online discussion forum for members of the LDS Church who “struggle” with “same-sex” or “same-gender attraction”.  A member of the discussion forum shared an epiphany with the group that went something like this (not an exact quote):

I finally understand.  The reason God has asked his prophets [leaders of the LDS Church] to speak out against same-sex marriage is because if same-sex marriage is allowed then God’s children will have fewer families to be born into.

To set the stage a little, not all faithful members of the LDS Church agree with the movement to stop same-sex marriage from becoming legal, and this is particularly true among faithful members of the Church who identify as gay, lesbian, and same-sex or same-gender attracted.  I was met with some hostility when I pointed out the epiphany wasn’t logical.  I think I was accused of being apostate because I didn’t agree with the logic.

I understand the author was likely speaking of the possibility that if gay marriage becomes legal, then quite possibly some men (gay) and women (lesbian) who would otherwise pursue opposite-sex marriages might pursue same-sex marriages instead.  But the argument isn’t really logical because whether or not same-sex marriage is legal, straight couples (at least the ones who can and choose to along with the few accidentals) will continue to have children.  In other words, the number of existing straight relationships will probably not increase of decrease when already existing gay relationships are legally recognized.  Maybe there’s something I’m not understanding, so please comment if you would like to add to the discussion.

While discussing this on Facebook, someone pointed out the same argument (quoted above).  I really like the response a friend made to this argument (minus Katy Perry being spoken of in bad light):

[Kim Kardashian, Sinead O’Connor, and Katy Perry] each publicly married and then publicly divorced in really short time (72 days, 18ish days, and a year or something like that). Those people threaten and destroy the sanctity of marriage and the sanctity of families. I’m not sure how you and Dan’s committed relationship affect my relationship with my spouse or theoretical children or the sanctity of my marriage.

Why is this discussion relevant?  Dan talked about this in a beautiful post about my family and how relationships are often challenged because of the teaching of principle of tough love.  Perhaps “tough love” is destroying families more than my relationship to Dan is destroying families.  An anonymous blogger shared his fear that as the Church continues to argue that gay relationships are destroying families, families with a gay member will continue to be destroyed.  Perhaps lobbying against certain kinds of families is destroying families.  Years ago I participated in a discussion with a family who lost a family member to suicide.  The note the family member left suggested he committed suicide due to the Church’s participation in the political process and ensuing discussions that took place within the walls LDS chapels.  They were brought to tears when they talked about what it was like when they learned the Church was advocating for Prop. 8 and encouraging members of the Church to get involved.  They worried that more gay Mormons would commit suicide.  They were also deeply conflicted: they support the leaders of the LDS Church as their spiritual leaders but they also lost a child because of the Church’s involvement.

This discussion is also relevant because Republican presidential candidates are making similar arguments.  Freedom to Marry asserted that Perry, Romney, and Gingrich (respectively) “declared that committed couples wanting to marry are part of a war against religion”, adoption agencies would be shut down if they don’t adopt out to same-sex couples, and that it is not possible to comprehend gay families as families so “we want to make it possible to have those things that are most intimately human between friends”.  Rick Santorum is the poster child for the Republican party claiming he will forcibly divorce gay married couples.

Maybe the real threats to religious freedom, family, and child birth are not gay couples, but the people fighting against gay couples.  In other words, maybe fighting against my freedoms decreases your freedoms: you can still have babies and go to church while Dan and I go to school, pay our bills, and file our (separate-but-equal) tax returns.

Finally, this discussion is relevant because, let’s be honest, the arguments against same-sex marriage aren’t really about adoption rights, the first amendment, or even tradition, as Cary Crall posited in BYU’s Daily Universe (which, of course, was later pulled from the paper).  Crall asked what it’s all about and asserted:

The real reason is that a man who most of us believe is a prophet of God told us to support the amendment. We must accept this explanation, along with all its consequences for good or ill on our own relationship with God and his children here on earth. Maybe then we will stop thoughtlessly spouting reasons that are offensive to gays and lesbians and indefensible to those not of our faith.

An argument for traditional biblical marriage?

If it is your belief that God doesn’t want same-sex marriage, come out of the closet and say so.  I’m okay with that.  You must also realize that even if that is your belief, we live in a pluralistic society; not everyone shares your beliefs and it is not okay to require that everyone uphold your beliefs.  If same-sex marriage becomes legal, you can still have babies and go to church.

The (gay) Mormon pursuit of happiness: find the box that’s gay and crush it

In this post I would like to describe, in a little more detail, my experiences as a same-sex or same-gender attracted (gay) Mormon through the story of Steven Wilson (as interviewed by Steven Densley Junion of the Foundation for Apologetic Information and Research).  In short, I would like to tell the story of nearly every gay Mormon and their pursuit of happiness.  In the interview (Why would a gay man with AIDS join the [LDS] Church), Wilson describes his experiences of meeting a returned missionary at a gay bar, eventually moving in with him, joining the Church, and how his association with members of the LDS faith helped him abandon “the homosexual lifestyle”.

Wilson’s story isn’t completely unfamiliar to me.  I attended support groups (e.g., LDS Family Services, Evergreen) and firesides intended to fortify my relationship with the Church, its leaders, and members.  At Evergreen support groups, I learned that if I want to stay in the Church I need to stay single and celibate and wait for the resurrection or marry or woman.

As I became more entangled in Evergreen and other support groups, I learned that it’s possible to pray away the gay.  The solution to the gay problem is simple: keep every commandment and get plenty of (nonsexual) healthy touch from other men.  Voila!  You’re cured.  Let me explain the concept of healthy touch (for those who aren’t familiar).  The theory behind male homosexuality is gay men didn’t bond enough with their fathers and/or male peers and sexualized their need for male affection to make up for it.  So, you need to bond with other men, even get in some “healthy touch” (e.g., hugs, cuddles, holding), to mitigate the sexual attractions.  (Be warned: the next video clip has some vulgarity).

I was actually invited to a “holding party” once.  Well, two holding parties (but the second wasn’t advertised as a holding party).  I didn’t go to the first one because when others described their experiences, it freaked me out.  I was informed that I would be held by an older member of the group (as a father might hold a young son in his arms) and I would talk to him about my experience: how does it feel, what am I thinking, what am I feelings, etc.  The experiences of others included talking about how it aroused them and learning to “talk through it” rather than fantasize about it.  The other holding party didn’t involve older men, so I went.  It was an emotional roller coaster as I watched guys (some of whom were engaged to girls at the time) snuggle up with any and everyone present.  The sexual tension was high.  And what should I have expected?  A bunch of gay Mormon guys who aren’t getting any visiting a place far away from home (what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas kind of a thing).

I learned there are a number of additional organizations to help facilitate change in orientation:

• North Star (Ty Mansfield)
• People Can Change (Rich Wyler)
• Exodus International
• NARTH (A. Dean Byrd, George A. Rekers)
• New Warriors

Although not all of these organizations are designed to cure same-sex attraction, many gay Mormons recommended these programs to me as helpful in resolving the underlying causes of “the gay”.  The most interesting to me is Journey into Manhood (JiM).  For those wanting to know exactly what happens at Journey into Manhood weekends, Ted Cox describes his experience with alarming detail.  Here’s a thoughtful perspective on JiM by the Original Mohomie.  And for the lazy reader, here’s a little clip about JiM:

It’s weird to watch that video clip because I know most of the guys interviewed.

At firesides, I learned that if I want to stay in the Church I need to hate everything that is or might possibly be gay and fight against it.  A man at one particular fireside shared a story similar to Wilson’s experience: he lived “the homosexual lifestyle”, turned away from his life as a porn star and addict, and converted to the LDS faith.  Like Wilson, he referred to “the gay lifestyle” as a lifestyle of drugs, sex, and rock ‘n’ roll.  He encouraged everyone present to avoid the very appearance of evil: don’t date members of the same sex, don’t do drugs, don’t drink alcohol; in short, don’t be gay.  At the time, I had already begun dating and learned enough to know that “the gay lifestyle” he spoke of was nothing more than “his lifestyle“.  I didn’t think it was fair to pass judgement on an entire group’s lifestyle based on personal experiences.

But I was used to judgement being passed.  In Logan, I organized social events which later took on the name “Logansides” — firesides for gay Mormons in Logan, Utah.  The firesides were intended to be nothing more than a social gathering for members of the LDS faith who are gay/lesbian or know someone who is gay/lesbian.  Advertising was complicated: People not of the LDS faith thought I was starting an ex-gay ministry and people of the LDS faith thought I was spreading the infamous “gay agenda”.  And then there were the ultra conservative gay Mormons who were vocal about the fact that I organized firesides and dated men (and eventually married).  I learned for myself that it’s next to impossible to unite liberal and conservative Mormons when it comes to this social issue.

In short, what turned me off to the Mormon solution to the gay problem is the unkindness and intolerance experienced at the hand of gay Mormons.  Oh, and none of these Mormons solutions I discussed made sense to me.  Ultimately, these “solutions” led to an increase of unhappiness and frustration.  Thus, I began my own pursuit of happiness that steered me away from the traditional gay Mormon path and away from experiences like those of Steven Wilson.