I didn’t think it was possible to accuse BYU of being too liberal in regards to their stance on social issues like homosexuality. I was wrong. Surprisingly, it seems their efforts to fight “the gay movement” were inspired by their experiences with their son when they learned he is gay. But don’t worry, he found the box that’s gay and crushed it (so now he isn’t gay any more).
Anyway, I wonder how many out there agree with Stephen and Janice Graham of the Standard of Liberty that BYU is too liberal on gay issues (I think I know how many disagree)…
A. Dean Byrd, former president of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH)
I recently came across this blog post that lists quotes from the book. To summarize, apparently the authors are of the opinion that gays (and lesbians) are pedophiles in that they “yearn for any-and-all sexual behavior to be permissible” including “adult-child sex”, “exploitation of children by adults”, “decriminaliz[ation] of sex between adults and adolescents”, etc. (I’m not sure whether these are accurate quotes because I’m referencing a second-hand source – I have no interest in reading a book that appears to be fairly biased.) The authors probably cite statistics such as these to support their claims.
I’m no expert on the pathology of pedophilia, but I am an expert on my life, and I’m familiar with the lives of my friends. I disagree with the conclusions these authors make based on my personal convictions and experiences and the convictions and experiences of my friends. There are many forms and types of sexual behavior that I (we) think should remain illegal including “adult-child” sex. In fact, I spent one year of my undergraduate career educating my campus community on the adverse effects of sexual assault. In short, sweeping generalizations such as those asserted in this book are incredibly aggravating, dishonest, and problematic. And I really hope few people accept these statements and opinions as truth.
I invite readers of this blog to share their thoughts on the assertions of A. Dean Byrd and Douglas A. Abbot regarding the myth that gays and lesbians are pedophiles.
Dan wrote a brief post on two approaches to marriage equality: one involves emphasis on equal rights and the other involves a comparison of commitment between gay and straight relationships. It will be interesting to see what happens as this second approach gains more and more attention.
You can’t tell me this isn’t something to be grateful for. Zion National Park is one of my favorite places on earth. And I get to spend it awesome people like Dan, his mom, and her husband. They’ve always been kind and welcoming and incredibly accepting.
If you’re not familiar with debates about gay marriage, they usually go something like this:
Gay man: I should have the right to marry.
Straight man: You do. No one is stopping you from marrying a woman.
Gay man: Well, the problem is, I’m not really attracted to women so…
Straight man: So stop complaining. It’s your choice and you choose not to marry a woman.
More direct debates usually go something like this:
Gay man: I should have the right to marry.
Straight person: No you shouldn’t, because if we let you marry who you want, what’s to stop other people from marrying a horse?
Gay man: No comment.
(But really. People actually use this claim to support their arguments against gay marriage).
In celebration of slippery slope arguments (and more), I’d like to share a cartoon and video. The cartoon explains, in the most simple language, the gay marriage debate. For all the duck lovers out there, the video uses very clear logic to demonstrate how the legalization of gay marriage will facilitate Scrooge McDuck fetishes.
iPhone 4S’s (aka Siri) End User License Agreement doesn’t cover marriage. I would totally marry her otherwise; she has a really good sense of humor. Perhaps that’s just proof of the slippery slope argument of gay marriage: if we legalize gay marriage then people will marry Siri. Anyway, here’s proof that Siri is a funny … personal assistant (and nothing more).
And I’m a little nervous about what happens when you click any of the suggested hiding places…
“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
My critics, as of late, have been pretty forceful in communicating to me that speaking up means I want them to change their core beliefs, that I am not tolerant of their beliefs, or… I don’t really know what it is they think I think. Take this guy for example:
“your [sic] not changing anything, just making yourself look petty. There are some that believe homosexuality is a sexual perversion. Your [sic] can blog all you want about it, but you aren’t going to change their minds, and everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions.”
I agree with the last statement: everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions. That includes me. And I’d like to set the record straight on my own beliefs and opinions. I’ve never asked nor have I ever believed that Christians (or any other religion) need to change their beliefs on homosexuality. I just want to exist, go to work or school, come home, put my feet up, spend my free time with Dan, and enjoy all the other benefits other couples in my country enjoy. The only thing I’ve asked in regard to your religious beliefs is that if you believe in being kind to others (because that seems to be the core belief of most religions), that can include me (without threatening your right to worship how, where, or what you want).
I participated in a conversation on Facebook a while back regarding the word “retard”. A friend posted this PSA from Glee and a conversation ensued. A number of people with disabilities responded to say, “Thanks. This word hurts; I don’t like it when people use it to refer to me or anything else they don’t like.”
Surprisingly, a number of people responded to say the “r-word” is a useful word, not at all harmful, and should still be used. One person cited the Mayo Clinic to support his claim. As expected, people with disabilities who had spoken up disagreed vehemently. I was also upset. Despite what people with disabilities said about the word, people without disabilities were saying, “The word isn’t hurtful; get over the fact that people are going to use this word. As long as I don’t hurt someone with disabilities, I can use the “r-word”.”
When I spoke up about why I disagreed with their claims, I asked myself several times, “Given all the evidences I’ve provided that the r-word is harmful and hurts people, how would I like them to respond to what I’ve said?” I guess I wanted them to admit they were wrong, they understand how the word is hurtful, and then promise to never use the word again. Perhaps that was too much to ask.
This past weekend I observed a similar conversation transpire via social media. The word this time was “fag”. This cut a little closer to home, especially given the larger context of recent personal experiences. I had just come home from a USU basketball game. At the game, USU fans had been shouting gay slurs at referees who made bad calls, members of the opposing team, and anyone else they disagreed with or didn’t like. There I sat with Dan; it felt like we were being compared to all those people. What stung most is that we were essentially being compared to BYU fans: ouch. (Sarcasm intentional. Not all BYU fans are bad people. I even have a few friends who are BYU fans). So when I came home and read social media — actual written words — that again compared me to someone that is despised, it triggered my “ganger” (i.e., gay anger). I had to speak up.
Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church
Surprisingly, when I spoke up I was met with all forms of justification for why it is okay to use the word “fag” to refer to someone you don’t like. I rebutted with nothing more than my personal experience: I am gay and I don’t like the use of the word fag (or any other gay slur) that compares me to things and people that are disliked. That wasn’t enough for some people. Because I’m gay and not straight, I didn’t have enough authority to say what is okay and what is not okay to call me. Here is one of the responses that illustrates the point well:
In my ganger, potential responses boiled and festered inside (none of which were shared): Please. You don’t understand me, and there’s no way in hell you’ll ever understand. You’re wrong (and straight); I’m right (and gay). My message to her and anyone else that justifies using gay slurs was knock it off:
Given all the evidences I can provide that the f-word is harmful and hurts people, how would I like others to respond to me? I guess I want them to admit they are wrong and I’m right. It never occurred to me until recently that maybe this is what it’s all about: everyone wants the other party to admit they are wrong, we naturally want the other party to bend, and we want to remain secure in our own paradigm. Perhaps that’s the difficulty of it: admitting you were in the wrong means a change in paradigm. Until recently, I never had the courage to change my own paradigm.
The day after USU kicked BYU’s butt, I called someone out publicly for using the f-word on social media. Since then, he removed the posts and apologized. In fact, everything he’s done over the last 24 hours exceeded my expectations. I guess you could say I didn’t think he, or anyone, would own up and admit wrong. Well, I was wrong. Here is an awesome message from Matt (aka Faf):
As the old saying goes, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” Absurd as it may sound, nothing but truth bleeds from that statement. Words carry power. Words carry a lot of power. Another thing that carries an incredible amount of power is human emotion. Human emotion is something so strong and so often indescribable that even words can’t even hold the power to convey human emotion.
For as much good as words can provide, there are also others that can do tremendous damage. Days ago, I found myself on the side of wrongdoing when I chose to use the word “fag” in reference to a rival team’s fan base the day before a big game. That usage was wrong of me, and my reasoning as to why inhibition escaped me in that moment was that, to me, that word had never meant to me what it means to the gay community.
But I didn’t stop there. When a friend of mine pointed out my wrongdoing, I brushed that aside in hopes that I could make some stand in defense of a word that I felt meant something different to me than it meant to others. I brushed that aside in thinking that my own selfish interpretation of the word was more credible than the hurtful context it held for others. Referencing things like TV sitcoms and stand-up comedian’s interpretations of the word “fag”, I tried to rationalize using that word that deep down I knew I shouldn’t use.
I was stubborn, selfish and stupid. It wasn’t until I took a step back and saw that I had even tried to rationalize my actions to a very close friend of mine who most likely would have felt the negativity of those actions. A day after the bulk of the debate with the first friend of mine to call me out regarding the issue, the bigger picture became clear to me about what was really important, why my stance was wrong, and the impact it could have on others.
Regardless of whatever perceived multiple meanings they may have, slur words need to be avoided entirely based solely on just one meaning that negatively affects any certain group of people. While my own previous interpretation of the word “fag” had not been intended as hurtful or derogatory toward the gay community, intent is irrelevant if emotional damage is done, especially in a case when emotional damage could have been avoided. Standing by a misguided personal interpretation of a word that is hurtful to others is not right.
Words affect people, whether you interpret their meaning as one way or another, using words that slur others carry weight. And the weight that some people carry in regards to certain words is a burden of oppression and hate. Somewhere there is somebody that has had that word used against them to belittle them and make them feel like less of a person because of their sexual orientation. And NOBODY is less of a person for any natural qualities about themselves, nor should they ever have to feel ashamed or belittled about who they are.
No matter how they are interpreted to some, no matter what context they are used and no matter how much you may think don’t affect others, slurs hurt people. And the only way to avoid that hurt is to completely erase them from our vocabularies. It’s a worthwhile change that benefits everybody.
– Faf
Matt gave me permission through his own example to change my own paradigm in those moments when I realize I’m wrong. This is one of those moments; I have owning up to do. I never thought he might be on my side. In fact, I assumed anyone who uses the f-word hates gay people. After the dust settled, he sent me a personal message in which he communicated he is a supporter — an ally. Specifically, he supported anti-discrimination ordinances passed in Logan — my home — a while back that gave LGBTQ individuals employment and housing protections. To Matt, and others who encouraged the passing of these ordinances, I offer my gratitude. Fear of being fired or kicked out of my home simply for being gay isn’t much of a fear anymore. I believe that Matt has every reason to hold his head high and walk away from this experience knowing he made a positive impact on at least one life (mine). I’ll be taking this experience with me as I move forward in life.
Matt sums up the message well :
I came to this realization the hard way, both by making an idiot of myself and by hurting several people close to me that I never had any intention of hurting. Don’t make the same mistake as I did. Let my lesson be your lesson. There’s already too much hate in this world without good people using hurtful words. Make a change for the better, and in turn, make the world better.
The Angel Walk in Laramie, WY. Family and friends of Matthew Shepard dressed as angels to visually block the protests of the Westboro Baptist Church
If you were touched by Faf’s message, let him know and share his message. He can be reached on Twitter (@RefractionFaf).
I recently attempted goluptsy for the second time. The first time was about four years ago during a beginner Russian class. Apparently this dish is called “little pigeons” in Polish, which may or may not be an accurate description.
Gay bulling is receiving more and more attention in the media and schools and students are doing more to fight bullying. As discussions take place, some have gone as far as sayingbullying gay youth is healthy. In fact, the Elementary and Secondary Education Re-authorization Act (ESEA) made it out of committee without protections from bullying for sexual orientation. This is surprising in part because LGBTQ youth are more likely to commit or attempt suicide and report such high rates of bullying. Here are some statistics:
50% of elementary and middle school bullying incidents are based on gender or orientation slurs
80% of high school youth harassed as gay identify as heterosexual
These youth are 5 times more likely to attempt suicide than their non-harassed peers
Among those who identify as transgender, 60% are attacked in violent assaults
Gay slurs have been part of all school shootings
I haven’t cared any more or any less than typical concerned citizens. I make sure I don’t take part in hate speech, and I make sure to comment when gay is used as a derogatory term. I was a typical concerned citizen until I attended a USU basketball game. USU basketball fans are known for being loud, energetic, and passionate. It’s an awesome experience.
But there’s another side to the coin. USU fans can also say things that leave students, spectators, and potential future USU students feeling uncomfortable, especially LGBTQ students. As an example, a group of guys sitting a few rows behind Dan and me shouted gay slurs every chance they got. Don’t agree with the call a ref made? Shout “you’re a faggot!” A member of the opposing travels? Shout “you’re a queer!”
Moreover, we were sitting next to the student section in the section USU reserves for recruits, visitors, scholars, and future (potential) students. What image are USU fans giving off to these people? That USU is potentially not a safe place for LGBTQ persons. This gives off the impression to people outside of Utah that this behavior is acceptable to Utahns. This needs to change.
Tell USU administrators they need to be more concerned about their public image.
These epithets weren’t directed at me or Dan per se, but they caused us to squirm in our seats. The exhilaration of the cheering became less exhilarating. You worry for your safety. What if they notice our wedding bands? Will we become the subject of their taunts? What happens when we leave the Spectrum — will we be safe? Or will we be another hate-crime statistic in Utah?
The only recourse we have is to remain silent and tune out the epithets. Moreover, hate speech laws in Utah don’t include sexual orientation. We could address it with school officials, but what more can they say other than “I’m sorry you experienced this” or “That’s upsetting, and I don’t agree with them.”
Questions I pose to readers are:
How common are gay slurs at USU basketball games (or other sporting events)?