I stumbled across this video the other day. I don’t agree with it. At all. But I’d like to share it in juxtaposition to another video to illustrate a point. Here’s the first video.
Watching it makes me feel pretty ugly and ashamed. I’m not benefiting society in any way [insert cricket noise]. And I’m also harming society. Well, it’s not me, per se, it’s my relationship. And that’s why society shouldn’t promote or permit my relationship; society should prohibit my relationship. My relationship is similar to pedophilia and incest.
I don’t actually believe that. That’s just what groups like the National Organization for Marriage believe and preach. And if I say I disagree or argue to the contrary, they’ll chew me up and spit me back out and declare “Same-sex marriage advocates need to be more tolerant.”
Same-sex marriage advocates need to be more tolerant. A message from the National Organization for Marriage.
You see, this is an issue of tolerance for opponents of same-sex marriage. But don’t get confused. They don’t have to tolerate anything in opposition to their beliefs. They’re in a position of power. They have privilege. They’re right, so ignore people like me. I’m just the minority. What do I know?
I mean, really. What do I know? It’s just impacts me. And don’t worry. I’m not upset. Even though they say all these crazy things about me, they still love me. It’s that tough love kind of a thing. The type of love that makes you stronger, turns you into a better person. And that’s what makes the next video so awesome. It illustrates where this all breaks down.
History suggests that people with these kinds of views about other people think they’re right and have proper justification for treating people differently. They also don’t think they’re mean or bigoted. They’re just referring people to fact and truth. I mean, at one point it was a fact that all races of people were expressions of different species, white people being the best. All other races were of inferior material so of course we should treat them differently. And of course the law should treat them differently. They act differently. Their behavior is different, and it’s not discrimination to treat behavior different.
Isn’t this discrimination against homosexuals? A message from the National Organization for Marriage.
It’s no different for gay people, right? They’re made of something different. They look different, act different, and even their relationships are different. And those differences mean they shouldn’t have all the same rights and protections under the law. We’re justified in treating the differently…
One of the adults in the video, reflecting on his childhood experience with discrimination over his eye color said, “I felt powerless and hopeless.” One group of kids was saying to the other “I’m better. You don’t deserve all the privileges I have because I’m better. It’s in my blood.” In essence, it’s no different from the message opponents of marriage equality are sending to gay people. They’re saying to us, “I’m better. I get protection under the law. You don’t deserve it.”
But what do I know? Technically speaking, I can divorce Dan and marry a woman.
The law already treats everyone equally. Every citizen can marry someone of the opposite sex. A message from the National Organization for Marriage.
Dan wrote a brief post on two approaches to marriage equality: one involves emphasis on equal rights and the other involves a comparison of commitment between gay and straight relationships. It will be interesting to see what happens as this second approach gains more and more attention.
I participated in a conversation on Facebook a while back regarding the word “retard”. A friend posted this PSA from Glee and a conversation ensued. A number of people with disabilities responded to say, “Thanks. This word hurts; I don’t like it when people use it to refer to me or anything else they don’t like.”
Surprisingly, a number of people responded to say the “r-word” is a useful word, not at all harmful, and should still be used. One person cited the Mayo Clinic to support his claim. As expected, people with disabilities who had spoken up disagreed vehemently. I was also upset. Despite what people with disabilities said about the word, people without disabilities were saying, “The word isn’t hurtful; get over the fact that people are going to use this word. As long as I don’t hurt someone with disabilities, I can use the “r-word”.”
When I spoke up about why I disagreed with their claims, I asked myself several times, “Given all the evidences I’ve provided that the r-word is harmful and hurts people, how would I like them to respond to what I’ve said?” I guess I wanted them to admit they were wrong, they understand how the word is hurtful, and then promise to never use the word again. Perhaps that was too much to ask.
This past weekend I observed a similar conversation transpire via social media. The word this time was “fag”. This cut a little closer to home, especially given the larger context of recent personal experiences. I had just come home from a USU basketball game. At the game, USU fans had been shouting gay slurs at referees who made bad calls, members of the opposing team, and anyone else they disagreed with or didn’t like. There I sat with Dan; it felt like we were being compared to all those people. What stung most is that we were essentially being compared to BYU fans: ouch. (Sarcasm intentional. Not all BYU fans are bad people. I even have a few friends who are BYU fans). So when I came home and read social media — actual written words — that again compared me to someone that is despised, it triggered my “ganger” (i.e., gay anger). I had to speak up.
Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church
Surprisingly, when I spoke up I was met with all forms of justification for why it is okay to use the word “fag” to refer to someone you don’t like. I rebutted with nothing more than my personal experience: I am gay and I don’t like the use of the word fag (or any other gay slur) that compares me to things and people that are disliked. That wasn’t enough for some people. Because I’m gay and not straight, I didn’t have enough authority to say what is okay and what is not okay to call me. Here is one of the responses that illustrates the point well:
In my ganger, potential responses boiled and festered inside (none of which were shared): Please. You don’t understand me, and there’s no way in hell you’ll ever understand. You’re wrong (and straight); I’m right (and gay). My message to her and anyone else that justifies using gay slurs was knock it off:
Given all the evidences I can provide that the f-word is harmful and hurts people, how would I like others to respond to me? I guess I want them to admit they are wrong and I’m right. It never occurred to me until recently that maybe this is what it’s all about: everyone wants the other party to admit they are wrong, we naturally want the other party to bend, and we want to remain secure in our own paradigm. Perhaps that’s the difficulty of it: admitting you were in the wrong means a change in paradigm. Until recently, I never had the courage to change my own paradigm.
The day after USU kicked BYU’s butt, I called someone out publicly for using the f-word on social media. Since then, he removed the posts and apologized. In fact, everything he’s done over the last 24 hours exceeded my expectations. I guess you could say I didn’t think he, or anyone, would own up and admit wrong. Well, I was wrong. Here is an awesome message from Matt (aka Faf):
As the old saying goes, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” Absurd as it may sound, nothing but truth bleeds from that statement. Words carry power. Words carry a lot of power. Another thing that carries an incredible amount of power is human emotion. Human emotion is something so strong and so often indescribable that even words can’t even hold the power to convey human emotion.
For as much good as words can provide, there are also others that can do tremendous damage. Days ago, I found myself on the side of wrongdoing when I chose to use the word “fag” in reference to a rival team’s fan base the day before a big game. That usage was wrong of me, and my reasoning as to why inhibition escaped me in that moment was that, to me, that word had never meant to me what it means to the gay community.
But I didn’t stop there. When a friend of mine pointed out my wrongdoing, I brushed that aside in hopes that I could make some stand in defense of a word that I felt meant something different to me than it meant to others. I brushed that aside in thinking that my own selfish interpretation of the word was more credible than the hurtful context it held for others. Referencing things like TV sitcoms and stand-up comedian’s interpretations of the word “fag”, I tried to rationalize using that word that deep down I knew I shouldn’t use.
I was stubborn, selfish and stupid. It wasn’t until I took a step back and saw that I had even tried to rationalize my actions to a very close friend of mine who most likely would have felt the negativity of those actions. A day after the bulk of the debate with the first friend of mine to call me out regarding the issue, the bigger picture became clear to me about what was really important, why my stance was wrong, and the impact it could have on others.
Regardless of whatever perceived multiple meanings they may have, slur words need to be avoided entirely based solely on just one meaning that negatively affects any certain group of people. While my own previous interpretation of the word “fag” had not been intended as hurtful or derogatory toward the gay community, intent is irrelevant if emotional damage is done, especially in a case when emotional damage could have been avoided. Standing by a misguided personal interpretation of a word that is hurtful to others is not right.
Words affect people, whether you interpret their meaning as one way or another, using words that slur others carry weight. And the weight that some people carry in regards to certain words is a burden of oppression and hate. Somewhere there is somebody that has had that word used against them to belittle them and make them feel like less of a person because of their sexual orientation. And NOBODY is less of a person for any natural qualities about themselves, nor should they ever have to feel ashamed or belittled about who they are.
No matter how they are interpreted to some, no matter what context they are used and no matter how much you may think don’t affect others, slurs hurt people. And the only way to avoid that hurt is to completely erase them from our vocabularies. It’s a worthwhile change that benefits everybody.
– Faf
Matt gave me permission through his own example to change my own paradigm in those moments when I realize I’m wrong. This is one of those moments; I have owning up to do. I never thought he might be on my side. In fact, I assumed anyone who uses the f-word hates gay people. After the dust settled, he sent me a personal message in which he communicated he is a supporter — an ally. Specifically, he supported anti-discrimination ordinances passed in Logan — my home — a while back that gave LGBTQ individuals employment and housing protections. To Matt, and others who encouraged the passing of these ordinances, I offer my gratitude. Fear of being fired or kicked out of my home simply for being gay isn’t much of a fear anymore. I believe that Matt has every reason to hold his head high and walk away from this experience knowing he made a positive impact on at least one life (mine). I’ll be taking this experience with me as I move forward in life.
Matt sums up the message well :
I came to this realization the hard way, both by making an idiot of myself and by hurting several people close to me that I never had any intention of hurting. Don’t make the same mistake as I did. Let my lesson be your lesson. There’s already too much hate in this world without good people using hurtful words. Make a change for the better, and in turn, make the world better.
The Angel Walk in Laramie, WY. Family and friends of Matthew Shepard dressed as angels to visually block the protests of the Westboro Baptist Church
If you were touched by Faf’s message, let him know and share his message. He can be reached on Twitter (@RefractionFaf).
“Don’t tell your conservative friends,” I reassure myself frequently. “They won’t understand,” I iterate to myself. Never until recently did it occur to me that the division between liberal and conservative is not scientific or mathematic. There are no controls for who and who will not be supportive. There are no equations to predict who will and who will not be your friend. And you never know which of your conservative friends will turn out to be statistically significant.
Recently, I decided to let my secret out in a public way. (I’m gay). I didn’t march down the street wearing a flamboyant feather boa. I just typed a few words, posted it to my blog, and posted a link on my Facebook page along with a new profile picture that would capture attention. Within hours my blog hit 100 views, which is 100 more views than prior. The most surprising thing is, most of the people who have commented — the largest group of people in fact — are those I met while living in Estonia.
~
“Don’t talk about it with your liberal friends. It will just confuse them,” I say to myself. Never until recently did it occur to me that maybe they don’t have any problem with it. You see, there’s just no way of knowing in advance who will care and who will not care and who will be confused and who will not be confused. I guess you could say I want to believe life is more simple when I label people based on where they come from, what they believe, who they associate with, where they hang out, and how much schooling they have to decide if they could possibly understand another secret I’ve keep from people.
Recently, a secular friend confronted me on this topic.
“You’re from Utah?”
“Yes.”
“And you were born here and raised here?”
“Yes.”
“So doesn’t that make you a … Mormon?”
“Yes.”
“But you’re gay!”
“Uh huh.”
“How can you be Mormon and gay? Don’t you know what the Mormon Church does to gay people? Did you see any of the Yes on 8 campaign material!?”
That’s not actually how the conversation went. But that’s how I expected it to go. I guess you could say I have a difficult time understanding how two of my worlds are compatible. My friends are Mormon. My family is Mormon. My co-workers are Mormon. So in most settings I wear my Mormon clothes and put on my Mormon face.
But… I’m no longer Mormon (or still am depending on how you define Mormon). I proselytized for the LDS Church in Estonia for two years. While there I built friendships with fellow missionaries and with the locals — all of whom knew me in a very different context. And, as expected, sometimes that context leaves me feeling like they can never know what’s going on in my life right now. “They’ll judge me. They’ll try to convince me I’m wrong. They’ll send the missionaries to my house. They’ll preach to me from The Miracle of Forgiveness (a Mormon classic which has some very strong wording against homosexuality) and tell me I’m going to hell.”
That’s not what happened, however, when I wrote my last blog post and let the secret out. I was surprised by the number of emails and comments from fellow missionaries and locals that were positive and supportive. Here are just a few of my favorites:
“Wow Ryan, what a wonderful, thoughtful post. Also, LOVE the picture of you and Dan holding hands.”
“Good post, well written… I hope everyone respects and accepts you.”
“Ryan, this is great! I love and support you!”
“You have always been and will continue to be an exceptional person.”
And my most favorite:
“I don’t know where your relationship with the Church is in all of this, but I want you to know that it doesn’t matter to me in the slightest. I’m proud of you for having come out… I have zero doubts you will always be the good man I knew in Estonia…”
~
“Don’t tell them the truth. It will just confuse them; they won’t understand.” That’s what I’m thinking right now as I consider what I want to communicate to anyone who reads this blog that has concerns about what Mormons think and believe about people who fall into the LGBTQ category. It makes sense to me that people have concerns given the number of gay and lesbian Mormons who commit suicide. It makes sense that people are concerned given the frequency of prophetic announcements that gays and lesbians are a threat to the family and to religious freedom. Their concerns are valid and justified given the vigorous politicking of the LDS Church.
Despite all the horror stories I’ve heard (e.g., Mormon parents kicking gay and lesbian children out of their homes), and despite the concerns above, the Mormons I know are exceptionally supportive and accepting. I’ve tried to pin down and identify the characteristics of supportive and non-supportive Mormons. I can’t seem to pin down any common characteristics. You can’t tell by the way someone wears their hair that they will be supportive. You can’t tell by the way someone dresses that they won’t be supportive. It seems, rather, there are devils and angels among all groups of people. And when it comes to my Mormon friends and family, when you really love someone, you love them despite their sexual orientation. “It doesn’t change anything,” they reassure me as they grapple to understand and make sense of a world that doesn’t always fit into their belief system.
To all my Mormon friends and family who have been supportive, accepting, and encouraging: I’m glad I put my biases behind me and gave you the opportunity to demonstrate how statistically significant you are in my life.
I guess all it took to change my mind was getting to know you a little better by letting you get to know me a little better.
“As The Book of Mormon’s Elder Cunningham accidentally discovers, it doesn’t matter what people believe in if what they believe has the ability to unite them and inspire them to serve one another and love each other freely.”
unambiguous 