It’s amusing what we do to fit in. And we all do it. How would you react in a situation like this?
Maybe this human phenomenon is what makes bullying such a problem: bullies often try to show how their peers don’t fit in. Or maybe it’s about how embarrassing it is when you don’t fit in.
To kick off the new year I thought I’d post internet videos that were influential to me (and others) last year. Not all these videos were published in 2011 but that’s when I first watched them. Here they are.
Early last year Republicans proposed legislation that would eliminate abortion funding for rape victims. Jon Stewart made them look pretty foolish on The Daily Show. Wordpress won’t let me embed this video, so click the link below to watch it. You’ll be redirected to The Daily Show website.
Rape Victim Abortion Funding – The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
ABC has a showed called What Would You Do? This is the first episode I saw which depicts a lesbian couple with their daughter being confronted by their waiter.
Here’s a video by Linda Stay. She relates how she learned her son Tyler is gay and what that experience was like from a Mormon perspective. She goes into more depth on these experiences in the documentary 8: The Mormon Proposition.
Emily Pearson also appeared in 8: The Mormon Proposition. In this video she relates experiences with gay men she was close to and her journey out of the LDS Church.
Here’s an ABC Nightline report on Journey into Manhood, a gay conversion camp many gay Mormons participate in.
2011 Tribute to Lady GaGa
And of course, no blog authored by a gay man would be complete without a tribute to Lady GaGa. Here are my top videos by the Lord herself. To start, here’s a video by Jonah Mowry that captured Her (capital H-E-R) attention.
Lady GaGa responded to teen suicide possibly more than any other celebrity. She brought these suicides to the attention of officials in the White House. Although she is written off too frequently because of her eccentricity, she’s doing some pretty cool things for LGBTQ youth. Here’s her tribute to Jamey Rodemeyer who committed suicide in 2011.
Here’s a story by ABC about GaGa’s efforts to stop bullying.
Finally, here’s a parody of Lady GaGa’s Edge of Glory reminds me of our commitment ceremony. This was created around the time New York passed gay marriage.
Gay bulling is receiving more and more attention in the media and schools and students are doing more to fight bullying. As discussions take place, some have gone as far as sayingbullying gay youth is healthy. In fact, the Elementary and Secondary Education Re-authorization Act (ESEA) made it out of committee without protections from bullying for sexual orientation. This is surprising in part because LGBTQ youth are more likely to commit or attempt suicide and report such high rates of bullying. Here are some statistics:
I haven’t cared any more or any less than typical concerned citizens. I make sure I don’t take part in hate speech, and I make sure to comment when gay is used as a derogatory term. I was a typical concerned citizen until I attended a USU basketball game. USU basketball fans are known for being loud, energetic, and passionate. It’s an awesome experience.
But there’s another side to the coin. USU fans can also say things that leave students, spectators, and potential future USU students feeling uncomfortable, especially LGBTQ students. As an example, a group of guys sitting a few rows behind Dan and me shouted gay slurs every chance they got. Don’t agree with the call a ref made? Shout “you’re a faggot!” A member of the opposing travels? Shout “you’re a queer!”
Moreover, we were sitting next to the student section in the section USU reserves for recruits, visitors, scholars, and future (potential) students. What image are USU fans giving off to these people? That USU is potentially not a safe place for LGBTQ persons. This gives off the impression to people outside of Utah that this behavior is acceptable to Utahns. This needs to change.
Tell USU administrators they need to be more concerned about their public image.
These epithets weren’t directed at me or Dan per se, but they caused us to squirm in our seats. The exhilaration of the cheering became less exhilarating. You worry for your safety. What if they notice our wedding bands? Will we become the subject of their taunts? What happens when we leave the Spectrum — will we be safe? Or will we be another hate-crime statistic in Utah?
The only recourse we have is to remain silent and tune out the epithets. Moreover, hate speech laws in Utah don’t include sexual orientation. We could address it with school officials, but what more can they say other than “I’m sorry you experienced this” or “That’s upsetting, and I don’t agree with them.”
Questions I pose to readers are:
It goes without saying that parents are afraid of at least one thing: the possibility that one of their children may one day identify as gay or lesbian. It is easy to understand the fear. Will my child be bullied at school? Will he be fired from a job for being gay? Will she be denied academic opportunities because she is lesbian? Will he fall victim to hate crimes like Mathew Shepard?
Some of the fears might be based on the possibility of unrealized expectations: Will I have grandchildren? Will I have a daughter- or son-in-law? For LDS (Mormon) parents these last questions have eternal importance: Will I be in heaven with my gay child in the next life? Will he or she be sealed to a companion (of opposite gender) for eternity? Or will my child go to the Telestial Kingdom? In short, what would you do if your child is that one — the one who is gay?
Perhaps these questions fueled the publication of the book Encouraging Heterosexuality: Helping Children Develop a Traditional Sexual Orientation. This book, as you might guess from the title, is about an “approach which…demonstrates how faith, tradition and science are complementary in the search for what is best for children” (DeseretBook.com). Deseret Book also notes that “Their message is… parents can prefer and encourage heterosexuality in their children and can do so without disrespect of criticism for those who believe or differently [sic]”.
I don’t disagree with Deseret Book: parents really can do all those things. Many probably have and many more will with support and permission from Deseret Book and the authors. My question is about the ethics behind encouraging a child to become heterosexual, especially when those methods assume that “most of those who later identify as homosexual report gender nonconformity in their histories”.
In my opinion, the mechanism behind encouraging heterosexuality in children is negative reinforcement. I’m not referring to the mechanism that controls the behavior of the child but the mechanism that controls the behavior of the parent. That is, “If I engage in behavior X (e.g., removal of feminine toys) then my child will stop engaging in behavior Y (e.g., playing with feminine toys).” Negative reinforcement, by definition, increases the likelihood (so long as the child’s behavior is stops) that the parent will continue to engage in behavior X.
The ethical component comes in when the child’s behavior ceases for a time: what effect will this have on the parent’s behavior? He or she is more likely to increase the intensity of their behavior (extinction burst). And should that behavior come in contact with reinforcement as a result of the extinction burst, the behavior will continue to be shaped up and become more intense until the parent resorts to punishment.
Punishment procedures have even been used. Read for yourself in the actual study from the publication on page 180 using the search term “spanking” or “physical punishment”. And what happened at in-home therapy sessions? Siblings report their brother was beaten rather than spanked for engaging in feminine behavior at home. Not surprisingly, this child committed suicide later in life.
So should we encourage heterosexuality in children? I don’t know. But I do know we need to be careful about how we treat children. The consequences speak for themselves.
Hopefully we follow the example of Linda from the video above:
“God, please help me find the right words! Don’t let me screw this up! I wanted to tear into him! Instead, she reports “I felt loving arms embrace us both… That moment lasted for hours with the only words spoken…
It’s okay. I love you.“
Few things are as exciting as the anticipation of bringing home a new pet. The anticipation comes from expectations, hopes, and dreams of what life with a new kitten, dog, bird, turtle, or whatever, will be like. I recently experienced this anticipation for myself. About one month ago impulsivity and curiosity got the best of me and I found myself, after a few weeks of weighing the pros and cons, at the local animal shelter with two kittens tucked away in a box in the back seat of my car. It was exhilarating. On the drive home I imagined how awesome life would be with my new pets. I could teach these kittens cool tricks. We could snuggle up on the couch, run around the house chasing string, and bat fake mice around with our paws.
Misha (left) and Luna (right)
Unknown to me when I picked her up from the shelter, Luna had come in contact with parvovirus (most commonly known as feline distemper). I learned this 24 hours later through an emergency visit to the vet. I also learned that most kittens die within 24 hours of showing symptoms of the virus. I was forced to make a very difficult decision: How much do I value the life of one sick kitten I barely know? How much of my time am I willing to give to keep her alive with nothing more than a 50% chance her immune system might be able to beat the virus? How much of my money am I willing to spend on a kitten that, a few days earlier, was tossed from the window of a moving car? What am I willing to do? As many have experienced in other contexts, these questions are difficult.
Several emotions swept over me during this time. The first was anger toward the shelter. They should have told me! They should have told me that things like this happen! But then logic convinced me the shelter had no way of knowing Luna had come in contact with the virus. The next emotion to sweep over me was loss and mourning. Would she live? Would she grow up to be the cat I expected, hoped, and dreamed about?
After time and thought, I decided to err on the side of life, to let her choose. At the time, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Her condition deteriorated, and I found myself providing ’round the clock care and clean up. For those unfamiliar with parvovirus, it affects the intestines and, sparing the details, causes dehydration. This meant keeping her hydrated by administering fluids under the skin through IVs and giving her anti-nausea shots to stop the vomiting. Because cats with distemper lose their appetite, it also meant force feeding her chicken broth so she would have a few calories to fuel her through the long fight.
Dan with Luna
After three days of ’round the clock care and several visits to the vet, she passed away. I can’t say I was surprised by her death, but I was caught off guard. When you do so much to fight for life, part of you assumes your best is enough. But sadly that’s not always the case. And sometimes your mind contradicts your heart. My mind told me there was no logical way she’d make it through the night when I saw her laying on the bathroom counter frail and unable to hold her head up. My heart told me to hold on the that 50% chance of survival — she was going to survive! My heart told me to not to let go of the dreams and expectations developed on the drive away from the animal shelter. But sadly, you don’t always get what you expect.
Instead, my heart and mind are full of memories and lessons. I remember her in her weakened state walking from the bathroom to the living room and jumping up onto the couch to spend time with me. I remember how rapidly she lost her strength and soon was unable to walk into the living room. I remember setting a towel down for her, and I remember her using her remaining strength to walk onto the towel so I could carry her into the living room. I remember the couch wasn’t enough; she wanted to sit on my lap and snuggle.
Ultimately, I learned that life is worth fighting for even when the result isn’t what you want or expect. I learned that sometimes life puts you in difficult situations and asks, “How much do you value me? How much are you willing to do to communicate to others how valuable I am to you?” Or, as Viktor Frankl put it:
“It [does] not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life [expects] from us. We [need] to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who [are] being questioned by life…. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”
The context for these questions isn’t always the same but life demands answers from everyone. Today I’m answering these questions in a different context but the effort and the pain is the same, if not more. Today life asks, “How much do you value the life of people who identify as gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, and queer? How much are you willing to do for them?”
Human relationships bring the same exhilarating feelings as bringing home a new pet: the birth of a child, meeting someone with similar goals and life experiences, developing and forging strong ties with other, and sharing raw human emotions and experiences together. Part of the exhilaration are the expectations, hopes, and dreams for the future. What lie ahead? What awesome moments will we share? What memories will we create?
Unknown to us while we form these relationships, we come in contact with people who are gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, and queer. Unlike feline distemper, there are no symptoms: you can’t tell, just by looking, that someone is gay or lesbian. Like feline distemper, things happen below the surface that erode strength, hope, and life. Between 30 and 40% of LGB youth have attempted suicide, are three times more likely to report not feeling safe at school than straight youth, and 90% have been harassed or assaulted at school (compared to 62% of straight youth). This suggests to me we do not communicate how valuable their lives are. And like any tragedy, in our anger and frustration over that which we cannot change or control, we look to someone or something to blame. How did this happen? Why did this happen?
What can I do to prove I care? Betty DeGeneres, mother of Ellen, says it best:
“The key to building a bridge to acceptance by heterosexuals is coming out. As people begin to realize that acquaintances, coworkers, service people, and professionals they already know and like happen to be gay or lesbian, their ignorance and fear will vanish, as it should. The best cure for homophobia is getting to know a gay person.”
Betty and Ellen DeGeneres
I can prove I care by coming out. I’m gay (suspicion confirmed). I always have been (unknown to you when we met), and I always will be.
Dan and I at Bear Lake, Utah
How does this prove I care?
By speaking up, it gives other people permission to speak up. When I returned home from serving a mission for the LDS Church, I was called to be an Elder’s Quorum President — a leader of a group of men (ironic, I know). Unknown to me at the time, several of the men in that group, like me, faced the internal battle of sexual orientation; we carried the burden alone. Years later, and because I communicate frequently on Facebook and other social media that I care about gay issues, one member of that former group stepped forward and confided in me. By being somewhat open, I gave him permission to speak up.
When we speak up, friends, family, coworkers, and classmates are forced to answer the similar questions, “How much do I value life? And what can I do to show how much I value life?” Latter-day Saints (aka Mormons) and members of other religions have been asked this question over and over as the gay marriage debate continues. Many decide to show their value of life through monetary support of constitutional amendments to ban gay marriage. Such support takes its toll silently, especially when accompanied by passionate and all-too-often derogatory discussion.
One gay Mormon relates reading from a BYU editorial:
“I read a recent letter to the editor with great pain. The author equated my gay friends and me to murderers, Satanists, prostitutes, pedophiles, and partakers of bestiality. Imagine having to live with this hateful rhetoric constantly being spewed at you” (In Quiet Desperation, p. 37).
That rhetoric was also spewed at his local congregation during the debate over Prop. 22. It became so bad that the leader of his congregation told him to stop coming to church. It continued to escalate to the point that he took his life. To his family, he wrote:
“I am free, I am no longer in pain, and I no longer hate myself… The same dilemma now faces you. You all believe that the choice of life is good and the choice of death is not . . . my life was actually killed long ago. Perhaps your action to help others understand…might help save many young people’s lives” (p. 19).
In Quiet Desperation, Deseret Book
When we have answers to difficult questions life gives us, it gets betters. Or, rather, when we have the right answers and the right actions, it gets better. When forced to answer these questions, sometimes your heart will contradict your mind. There’s no logical reason why some people are gay and others are straight. But your heart is telling you something different. Listen.
As you answer these questions, memories and lessons are forged into your heart. You will become better a better person when you demonstrate kindness and compassion towards gay, lesbians, bi, transgender, and queer persons. I learned this lesson in high school. Unknown to me, a friend of mine was gay. I wasn’t out to anyone other than my parents at the time. Late one night I received a phone call from this kid’s mom. She asked when I last saw her son. I told her I saw him at school but that he didn’t ride the bus home. The next morning, she called to let me know he had attempted suicide that night. He grabbed his father’s insulin, walked to a park near their house, and injected the fluids. He was hospitalized for a few days. He returned to school, but the bullying he experienced was too much so he transferred to a different school where no one knew his history.
If you are an ally, speak up. Let gays and lesbians know you care and value their lives. If you are gay or lesbian, confide in someone.
It gets better.
unambiguous 