Gay Mormon Jimmy Hales comes out on YouTube

I first heard of Jimmy Hales’ coming out video on Facebook from a group of gay Mormons (some former and some current). Comments ranged from “that’s cute” to “whatever” to “meh”. It’s nothing new to those who know what’s going in the gay Mormon world. For us, it’s another gay Mormon testifying to the world he’ll be faithful to a belief system that misrepresents “the gay lifestyle”. For us, it’s another gay Mormon blogger who’ll be in the spotlight for a while and then disappear. Where he ends up, no one knows. In other words, we sense a familiar trepidation when he responds to questions like, “Do you think you can really stay celibate your entire life?”

Here’s a link to his YouTube video if you haven’t seen it yet. And here’s a link to his blog in case you want to stalk him.

Gay Mormon and BYU student, Jimmy Hales, comes out on YouTube.

I was like him at one point in my life. I might have been him if I hadn’t given up so easily on learning the ins and outs of Final Cut. I understand the conflict between wanting to live what your religion teaches you is the better path and what your heart tells you is the happier path. I understand what it feels like to think the only way you’re going to make it as a single, celibate, gay Mormon is to make a name for yourself, to be vociferous proponent of the “Mormon lifestyle” in tacit opposition of the “gay lifestyle”.

According to the LDS (Mormon) Church, same-sex attraction is a trial or test and an “eternal perspective” will help you remain celibate.

To understand where Jimmy is coming from (and where I was coming from a number of years ago), there are a few things you need to understand about Mormon beliefs and Mormon lore. According to Mormon beliefs, being gay is the most difficult “test” you can have in mortal life. Everyone must undergo some form of a test — and come off conquerer — to make it to heaven, and gay Mormons will only make it to heaven if they marry someone of the opposite sex or remain celibate. One gay Mormon put it this way:

Mormons believe acting on same-sex attraction will send you to hell.

According to Mormon lore, there’s this thing called “the gay lifestyle”. It’s all about sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll — a constant party of seduction, sin, and sex. It will destroy other types of families (e.g., “traditional” families) and freedom (e.g., religious freedom). (See the LDS Church’s newsroom for more info). It’s a major assumption of many Mormon comments on social media.

Gay Mormons are caught up in this war of belief and lore. At least I know I was. We were taught to have a negative view of gay relationships. They’re only based on lust. Gays only want to get married because they want to have lots and lots of sex. Gays kiss because they can’t control their appetite for sin. You sense these types of beliefs in this quote from a gay Mormon blogger:

“The first time I saw two guys kissing was an interesting event in my life. I had seen normal kisses before in movies, paintings, photos, and in real life at weddings or just watching my parents… I did a double-take. This wasn’t the kiss of husband and wife when they’ve made covenants to serve God and each other for eternity. This was a passionate kiss between two men who were glorifying the natural man”

These beliefs and lore kept me from a lot of good experiences for a number of years. I thought dating men would lead me down a path of lasciviousness. I was afraid I’d become addicted to sex, that I’d start taking drugs, and that I’d become a drunk. I’d feel empty and hollow for the rest of my life.

To understand some of the blow back Jimmy Hales is getting from a morally decaying world, you have to understand where others of us are coming from. A lot of people, like me, know what Jimmy is missing out on. It’s a difficult thing to be celibate for life. And I’m not talking refraining from sex. I’m talking about refraining from all the experiences of falling in love, breaking up, and marriage. And I think it’s safe to say a lot of people are skeptical about whether this kid has really been in love before and what will happen to his resolve when he falls in love.

At some point I thought more critically of my situation and decided I would give “the gay lifestyle” a shot. The first step was challenging all these beliefs and lore about the gay lifestyle. The basic assumption that drove me was something along the lines of dating just like my straight friends date, follow a similar moral code, and see what happens. And something did happen. The more I dated, the more I realized how false all those beliefs were. I started to feel everything portrayed in chic flick and love songs. I felt love (or as Mormons are prone to say “romantic” love; see this blog post by Mormon Carol Lynn Pearson).

I remember talking to a Mormon friend on the phone shortly after my first kiss. She advised me on all the bad things that will happen because of what I had done. I don’t remember much of what she said because when I thought about that kiss I couldn’t stop thinking about how awesome it was (in a romantic way). Through typical dating experiences, I started to realize more and more that love is love.

Falling in love with Dan led me to my second coming out. It was one thing to come out as a gay Mormon with the resolve to be faithful in the Mormon sense and it was another thing to come out as a gay man in love. Whether Jimmy stays strong to his resolve to stay faithful to his belief system or comes out a second time (as I did), I wish him well.

Don’t tell your conservative friends!

“Don’t tell your conservative friends,” I reassure myself frequently.  “They won’t understand,” I iterate to myself.  Never until recently did it occur to me that the division between liberal and conservative is not scientific or mathematic.  There are no controls for who and who will not be supportive.  There are no equations to predict who will and who will not be your friend.  And you never know which of your conservative friends will turn out to be statistically significant.

Recently, I decided to let my secret out in a public way.  (I’m gay).  I didn’t march down the street wearing a flamboyant feather boa.  I just typed a few words, posted it to my blog, and posted a link on my Facebook page along with a new profile picture that would capture attention.  Within hours my blog hit 100 views, which is 100 more views than prior.  The most surprising thing is, most of the people who have commented — the largest group of people in fact — are those I met while living in Estonia.

~

“Don’t talk about it with your liberal friends.  It will just confuse them,” I say to myself.  Never until recently did it occur to me that maybe they don’t have any problem with it.  You see, there’s just no way of knowing in advance who will care and who will not care and who will be confused and who will not be confused.  I guess you could say I want to believe life is more simple when I label people based on where they come from, what they believe, who they associate with, where they hang out, and how much schooling they have to decide if they could possibly understand another secret I’ve keep from people.

Recently, a secular friend confronted me on this topic.

“You’re from Utah?”

“Yes.”

“And you were born here and raised here?”

“Yes.”

“So doesn’t that make you a … Mormon?”

“Yes.”

“But you’re gay!”

“Uh huh.”

“How can you be Mormon and gay?  Don’t you know what the Mormon Church does to gay people?  Did you see any of the Yes on 8 campaign material!?”

“Well… I just… turned it off…”

That’s not actually how the conversation went.  But that’s how I expected it to go.  I guess you could say I have a difficult time understanding how two of my worlds are compatible.  My friends are Mormon.  My family is Mormon.  My co-workers are Mormon.  So in most settings I wear my Mormon clothes and put on my Mormon face.

But… I’m no longer Mormon (or still am depending on how you define Mormon).  I proselytized for the LDS Church in Estonia for two years.  While there I built friendships with fellow missionaries and with the locals — all of whom knew me in a very different context.  And, as expected, sometimes that context leaves me feeling like they can never know what’s going on in my life right now.  “They’ll judge me.  They’ll try to convince me I’m wrong.  They’ll send the missionaries to my house.  They’ll preach to me from The Miracle of Forgiveness (a Mormon classic which has some very strong wording against homosexuality) and tell me I’m going to hell.”

That’s not what happened, however, when I wrote my last blog post and let the secret out.  I was surprised by the number of emails and comments from fellow missionaries and locals that were positive and supportive.  Here are just a few of my favorites:

“Wow Ryan, what a wonderful, thoughtful post.  Also, LOVE the picture of you and Dan holding hands.”

“Good post, well written…  I hope everyone respects and accepts you.”

“Ryan, this is great!  I love and support you!”

“You have always been and will continue to be an exceptional person.”

And my most favorite:

“I don’t know where your relationship with the Church is in all of this, but I want you to know that it doesn’t matter to me in the slightest.  I’m proud of you for having come out… I have zero doubts you will always be the good man I knew in Estonia…”

~

“Don’t tell them the truth.  It will just confuse them; they won’t understand.”  That’s what I’m thinking right now as I consider what I want to communicate to anyone who reads this blog that has concerns about what Mormons think and believe about people who fall into the LGBTQ category.  It makes sense to me that people have concerns given the number of gay and lesbian Mormons who commit suicide.  It makes sense that people are concerned given the frequency of prophetic announcements that gays and lesbians are a threat to the family and to religious freedom.  Their concerns are valid and justified given the vigorous politicking of the LDS Church.

Despite all the horror stories I’ve heard (e.g., Mormon parents kicking gay and lesbian children out of their homes), and despite the concerns above, the Mormons I know are exceptionally supportive and accepting.  I’ve tried to pin down and identify the characteristics of supportive and non-supportive Mormons.  I can’t seem to pin down any common characteristics.  You can’t tell by the way someone wears their hair that they will be supportive.  You can’t tell by the way someone dresses that they won’t be supportive.  It seems, rather, there are devils and angels among all groups of people.  And when it comes to my Mormon friends and family, when you really love someone, you love them despite their sexual orientation.  “It doesn’t change anything,” they reassure me as they grapple to understand and make sense of a world that doesn’t always fit into their belief system.

To all my Mormon friends and family who have been supportive, accepting, and encouraging: I’m glad I put my biases behind me and gave you the opportunity to demonstrate how statistically significant you are in my life.

I guess all it took to change my mind was getting to know you a little better by letting you get to know me a little better.

“As The Book of Mormon’s Elder Cunningham accidentally discovers, it doesn’t matter what people believe in if what they believe has the ability to unite them and inspire them to serve one another and love each other freely.”

It Gets Better

Few things are as exciting as the anticipation of bringing home a new pet.  The anticipation comes from expectations, hopes, and dreams of what life with a new kitten, dog, bird, turtle, or whatever, will be like.  I recently experienced this anticipation for myself.  About one month ago impulsivity and curiosity got the best of me and I found myself, after a few weeks of weighing the pros and cons, at the local animal shelter with two kittens tucked away in a box in the back seat of my car.  It was exhilarating.  On the drive home I imagined how awesome life would be with my new pets.  I could teach these kittens cool tricks.  We could snuggle up on the couch, run around the house chasing string, and bat fake mice around with our paws.

Misha (left) and Luna (right)

Unknown to me when I picked her up from the shelter, Luna had come in contact with parvovirus (most commonly known as feline distemper).  I learned this 24 hours later through an emergency visit to the vet.  I also learned that most kittens die within 24 hours of showing symptoms of the virus.  I was forced to make a very difficult decision: How much do I value the life of one sick kitten I barely know?  How much of my time am I willing to give to keep her alive with nothing more than a 50% chance her immune system might be able to beat the virus?  How much of my money am I willing to spend on a kitten that, a few days earlier, was tossed from the window of a moving car?  What am I willing to do?  As many have experienced in other contexts, these questions are difficult.

Several emotions swept over me during this time.  The first was anger toward the shelter.  They should have told me!  They should have told me that things like this happen!  But then logic convinced me the shelter had no way of knowing Luna had come in contact with the virus.  The next emotion to sweep over me was loss and mourning.  Would she live?  Would she grow up to be the cat I expected, hoped, and dreamed about?

After time and thought, I decided to err on the side of life, to let her choose.  At the time, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.  Her condition deteriorated, and I found myself providing ’round the clock care and clean up.  For those unfamiliar with parvovirus, it affects the intestines and, sparing the details, causes dehydration.  This meant keeping her hydrated by administering fluids under the skin through IVs and giving her anti-nausea shots to stop the vomiting.  Because cats with distemper lose their appetite, it also meant force feeding her chicken broth so she would have a few calories to fuel her through the long fight.

Dan with Luna

After three days of ’round the clock care and several visits to the vet, she passed away.  I can’t say I was surprised by her death, but I was caught off guard.  When you do so much to fight for life, part of you assumes your best is enough.  But sadly that’s not always the case.  And sometimes your mind contradicts your heart.  My mind told me there was no logical way she’d make it through the night when I saw her laying on the bathroom counter frail and unable to hold her head up.  My heart told me to hold on the that 50% chance of survival — she was going to survive!  My heart told me to not to let go of the dreams and expectations developed on the drive away from the animal shelter.  But sadly, you don’t always get what you expect.

Instead, my heart and mind are full of memories and lessons.  I remember her in her weakened state walking from the bathroom to the living room and jumping up onto the couch to spend time with me.  I remember how rapidly she lost her strength and soon was unable to walk into the living room.  I remember setting a towel down for her, and I remember her using her remaining strength to walk onto the towel so I could carry her into the living room.  I remember the couch wasn’t enough; she wanted to sit on my lap and snuggle.

Ultimately, I learned that life is worth fighting for even when the result isn’t what you want or expect.  I learned that sometimes life puts you in difficult situations and asks, “How much do you value me?  How much are you willing to do to communicate to others how valuable I am to you?”  Or, as Viktor Frankl put it:

“It [does] not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life [expects] from us. We [need] to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who [are] being questioned by life…. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”

The context for these questions isn’t always the same but life demands answers from everyone.  Today I’m answering these questions in a different context but the effort and the pain is the same, if not more.  Today life asks, “How much do you value the life of people who identify as gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, and queer?  How much are you willing to do for them?”

Human relationships bring the same exhilarating feelings as bringing home a new pet: the birth of a child, meeting someone with similar goals and life experiences, developing and forging strong ties with other, and sharing raw human emotions and experiences together.  Part of the exhilaration are the expectations, hopes, and dreams for the future.  What lie ahead?  What awesome moments will we share?  What memories will we create?

Unknown to us while we form these relationships, we come in contact with people who are gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, and queer.  Unlike feline distemper, there are no symptoms: you can’t tell, just by looking, that someone is gay or lesbian.  Like feline distemper, things happen below the surface that erode strength, hope, and life.  Between 30 and 40% of LGB youth have attempted suicide, are three times more likely to report not feeling safe at school than straight youth, and 90% have been harassed or assaulted at school (compared to 62% of straight youth).  This suggests to me we do not communicate how valuable their lives are.  And like any tragedy, in our anger and frustration over that which we cannot change or control, we look to someone or something to blame.  How did this happen?  Why did this happen?

What can I do to prove I care?  Betty DeGeneres, mother of Ellen, says it best:

“The key to building a bridge to acceptance by heterosexuals is coming out. As people begin to realize that acquaintances, coworkers, service people, and professionals they already know and like happen to be gay or lesbian, their ignorance and fear will vanish, as it should. The best cure for homophobia is getting to know a gay person.”

Betty and Ellen DeGeneres

I can prove I care by coming out.  I’m gay (suspicion confirmed).  I always have been (unknown to you when we met), and I always will be.

Dan and I at Bear Lake, Utah

How does this prove I care?

By speaking up, it gives other people permission to speak up.  When I returned home from serving a mission for the LDS Church, I was called to be an Elder’s Quorum President — a leader of a group of men (ironic, I know).  Unknown to me at the time, several of the men in that group, like me, faced the internal battle of sexual orientation; we carried the burden alone.  Years later, and because I communicate frequently on Facebook and other social media that I care about gay issues, one member of that former group stepped forward and confided in me.  By being somewhat open, I gave him permission to speak up.

When we speak up, friends, family, coworkers, and classmates are forced to answer the similar questions, “How much do I value life?  And what can I do to show how much I value life?”  Latter-day Saints (aka Mormons) and members of other religions have been asked this question over and over as the gay marriage debate continues.  Many decide to show their value of life through monetary support of constitutional amendments to ban gay marriage.  Such support takes its toll silently, especially when accompanied by passionate and all-too-often derogatory discussion.

One gay Mormon relates reading from a BYU editorial:

“I read a recent letter to the editor with great pain.  The author equated my gay friends and me to murderers, Satanists, prostitutes, pedophiles, and partakers of bestiality.  Imagine having to live with this hateful rhetoric constantly being spewed at you” (In Quiet Desperation, p. 37).

That rhetoric was also spewed at his local congregation during the debate over Prop. 22.  It became so bad that the leader of his congregation told him to stop coming to church.  It continued to escalate to the point that he took his life.  To his family, he wrote:

“I am free, I am no longer in pain, and I no longer hate myself… The same dilemma now faces you.  You all believe that the choice of life is good and the choice of death is not . . . my life was actually killed long ago.  Perhaps your action to help others understand…might help save many young people’s lives” (p. 19).

In Quiet Desperation, Deseret Book

When we have answers to difficult questions life gives us, it gets betters.  Or, rather, when we have the right answers and the right actions, it gets better.  When forced to answer these questions, sometimes your heart will contradict your mind.  There’s no logical reason why some people are gay and others are straight.  But your heart is telling you something different.  Listen.

As you answer these questions, memories and lessons are forged into your heart.  You will become better a better person when you demonstrate kindness and compassion towards gay, lesbians, bi, transgender, and queer persons.  I learned this lesson in high school.  Unknown to me, a friend of mine was gay.  I wasn’t out to anyone other than my parents at the time.  Late one night I received a phone call from this kid’s mom.  She asked when I last saw her son.  I told her I saw him at school but that he didn’t ride the bus home.  The next morning, she called to let me know he had attempted suicide that night.  He grabbed his father’s insulin, walked to a park near their house, and injected the fluids.  He was hospitalized for a few days.  He returned to school, but the bullying he experienced was too much so he transferred to a different school where no one knew his history.

If you are an ally, speak up.  Let gays and lesbians know you care and value their lives.  If you are gay or lesbian, confide in someone.

It gets better.