“It was my first love. It changed my life. Back then, my mind would wander to the women I had been with, the ones I cared for and thought I was in love with. I reminisced about the sentimental songs I enjoyed when I was a teenager… The ones I played when I experienced a girlfriend for the first time. I realized they were written in a language I did not yet speak.”
R&B singer/songwriter Frank Ocean came out as gay.
A number of years back I had a similar experience: dating women, I thought I knew what it felt like to be in love. I thought I could relate to all the sappy love movies and love songs. When I allowed myself to start figuring out what being gay was all about I realized that wasn’t the case. As I started dating men, I realized I had never really been in love before. And I definitely couldn’t relate to the pain others experienced when they went through break ups until I went through my first break up with a man. It hurt like hell. I finally understood why people would lay in bed listening to the same song over and over and over again; that’s what I did, that’s how I coped, and that’s how everyone around me coped. Here’s an accurate description of what it’s like.
It’s pretty pathetic, I know. But at the time, it was revelatory. Just as Ocean described, falling in love (and breaking up) opened me up to a whole new language: the language of love. I was suddenly able to identify with friends and peers on one of the most powerful human emotions, something I had never experienced with women. The conversation I was having in my head (the things you think and never say) about friend and family going through break ups changed from “you wimp” to “Yeah, that sucks. I get it.”
And this revelation works the other way, too. Straight people who don’t get the gay thing realize what it’s all about when we relate over the shared experience of falling in love (or breaking up). A friend told me about the moment when his mom became an ally. She just didn’t get it until he told her about a guy he had fallen for. As he described his feelings, she stopped and said something like, “WAIT A MINUTE! That’s what I feel about your dad. You must be in love.” Revelation.
To sum it up, sexuality isn’t really all that significant or important. Love is love. It’s universal. Or, as Ocean puts it in one of his songs, marriage is between love and love (not man and woman).
Listen to his music and see if you can catch him sneaking in clues about his sexuality.
Matthew Brown published a video on Vimeo.com last week (on Valentine’s day) to communicate a powerful message about acceptance of gays and lesbians by society. I thought re-posting the video would be a good way to communicate a similar message in my own words but Brown pulled the video down; the video was meant for his partner’s eyes only. This blogger quoted Brown from the video summary:
This is the Valentine’s Day video by me for my partner, XXXXXXX XXXXX. My partner lives somewhere across the Atlantic. He lives a hidden life because of the way his career, some of his friends, and family might treat him if they found out about him being gay. I’ve made this video for him to show the support and passion toward my Love and human rights. It was supposed to be a private video, solely for my boyfriend’s eyes, but it turned into a statement of fighting for the one you love when I realized I wouldn’t be able to say his name or show his face in the video. XXXXXXX, Happy Valentine’s Day! Someday society will let us feel fully accepted!
A clip from the video To my pixelated boyfriend on Vimeo as posted by storyful.com
I can identify with their experience. Worrying about how people might respond if they find out about our relationship, Dan and I have kept it hidden. Because of things people at one of my job sites say about gays and lesbians, I don’t mention anything about my relationship status. They probably see me as the boring single guy with two cats who sits at home on the weekends. Not being out at this job creates some awkward discussions. A co-worker asked me what my plans were for Valentine’s day. I mentioned I’d be going to dinner at a nice restaurant, and he gave me pointers on how I could impress my (female) date.
While out on Valentine’s day we got plenty of stares. It’s not a common experience in small-town Logan to see two guys sitting together at dinner, apparently. It ruined a portion of the romance to be stared at and whispered about. I guess I understand what zoo animals feel like: you’re constantly on display, every little move. Sometimes we joke about reversing the roles and comment privately on how disgusting it is when straight people hold hands and/or kiss in public.
It’s surprising what people don’t think we see. While driving to campus one day a car full of family pointed and stared while we were stopped at the stoplight. The husband noticed us first (I had my hand on Dan’s shoulder/neck), who then pointed us out to his wife, who then leaned forward to get a good look at the freaky gays, who then pointed us out to her children in the back seat, who then proceeded to stare. They acted surprised when I waved at them. If nothing else, we’ve learned that a sense of humor goes a long way.
When I dropped Dan off on campus, we swapped pecks on the cheek and said goodbye. A passerby noticed and looked back over his shoulder until he disappeared behind the cars and buses. Or there was the time we walked hand-in-hand through a parking lot passing people emptying contents of bags in their backseats and trunks. As we passed, they froze, lowered their voices to a whisper, pointed us out to friends, and snuck secret glances.
Then there are the people who don’t bat an eye; the people who treat us as human. They are the strangers who say hi, wave, smile, and strike up conversation. And there are the strangers who go out of their way to say something nice. We went to Las Vegas on New Years last year. A guy about our age walked up to us as we were watching the fountains at the Bellagio and said, “I just want you guys to know you’re beautiful just the way you are.” It didn’t come across as creepy–it meant a lot to us at the time. They are the people who pause to tell us we look happy as a photographer snaps photos of us (also a true story). They are the people we meet hiking. They are the co-workers (at job sites where we are out) who invite us to social events or ask about our weekend plans. They are former roommates who come over to play video games or go out of their way to make sure we feel comfortable. They are former mission companions and friends who don’t distance themselves. They are the family members who go to lunch with us or invite us over for dinner. They are the extended family members who go out of their way at weddings and other family gatherings to meet Dan and ask about our plans for the future. To them we offer thanks and appreciation.
My intent with this post is not to complain. I hope the juxtaposition of good and bad experiences raises an important question to readers: What would you do? How would you react if you saw a gay couple at dinner on Valentine’s day? Would you keep to yourself, smile, stare, point, talk about them, talk to them?
To kick off the new year I thought I’d post internet videos that were influential to me (and others) last year. Not all these videos were published in 2011 but that’s when I first watched them. Here they are.
Early last year Republicans proposed legislation that would eliminate abortion funding for rape victims. Jon Stewart made them look pretty foolish on The Daily Show. Wordpress won’t let me embed this video, so click the link below to watch it. You’ll be redirected to The Daily Show website.
ABC has a showed called What Would You Do? This is the first episode I saw which depicts a lesbian couple with their daughter being confronted by their waiter.
Here’s a video by Linda Stay. She relates how she learned her son Tyler is gay and what that experience was like from a Mormon perspective. She goes into more depth on these experiences in the documentary 8: The Mormon Proposition.
Emily Pearson also appeared in 8: The Mormon Proposition. In this video she relates experiences with gay men she was close to and her journey out of the LDS Church.
Here’s an ABC Nightline report on Journey into Manhood, a gay conversion camp many gay Mormons participate in.
2011 Tribute to Lady GaGa
And of course, no blog authored by a gay man would be complete without a tribute to Lady GaGa. Here are my top videos by the Lord herself. To start, here’s a video by Jonah Mowry that captured Her (capital H-E-R) attention.
Lady GaGa responded to teen suicide possibly more than any other celebrity. She brought these suicides to the attention of officials in the White House. Although she is written off too frequently because of her eccentricity, she’s doing some pretty cool things for LGBTQ youth. Here’s her tribute to Jamey Rodemeyer who committed suicide in 2011.
Here’s a story by ABC about GaGa’s efforts to stop bullying.
Finally, here’s a parody of Lady GaGa’s Edge of Glory reminds me of our commitment ceremony. This was created around the time New York passed gay marriage.
Evergreen International, a support network for Latter-day Saints (Mormons) that encourages sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE) and is an unofficial auxiliary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, published a story by “Ben Newman” about how gay men can become straight. It’s a rather succint explanation of the theory behind environmental factors that some purport cause homosexuality. Evergreen claims the author of the article is the founder of People Can Change, which hosts conversion camps for LDS men called Journey Into Manhood. Here is a link to a PDF of the article and here is a link to the article on Evergreen.
The holiday season can be pretty stressful, especially when you’re the gay member of a religious family and especially when one of your siblings is getting married a few days before Christmas and the other a few days after. This is the position we’re in. My family is attempting to combine one stressful situation (having a gay son/brother) with three stressful events — Christmas and two weddings. Add to the stress the fact that me and all my siblings got married this year so our family is entirely new to planning the holidays around in-laws’ schedules.
From the perspective of a gay member of the family, I don’t look forward to peoples’ reactions when they learn, if they haven’t heard already, that I’m married to a man. I dread conversations like these:
I don’t have too much reason to suspect anyone in my family will follow her instructions, but bitter conversations over Facebook suggests the possibility I might be met with hostility of the passive-aggressive type. Fortunately, I have potential allies in the family as well (e.g., a cousin who “likes” Facebook posts about gay issues); I’m hopeful it won’t be too painful if I show up to my dad’s family’s Christmas party. And even more fortunate than that, I haven’t had to worry at all with my mom’s family. One aunt and her daughter — my cousin (and friend) — extended a warm invitation to Thanksgiving suspecting Dan and I might feel uncomfortable attending.
Perhaps the most stressful part of it all is the disregard Dan experiences. My dad doesn’t acknowledge his presence at family outings. He has also suggested that Dan should be introduced at Christmas and the weddings as “a family friend” or roommate. (I have a hard time believing there are people out there who don’t know I’m gay and don’t know Dan and I are partnered, but that’s always a possibility I guess). And I don’t blame my dad for being nervous about how people will respond; people can be mean and it’s scary to consider all the potential reactions people might have. I’m nervous about peoples’ reactions too, but I’ve had more opportunities to experience those reactions and awkward moments than has my dad.
Despite all the potential stress, frustration, and awkwardness this holiday season might bring, I’m looking forward to having my first Christmas with Dan. The holidays for these two gays are going to rock.
This story from the New York Times is all too familiar in the gay Mormon community: a gay man, who doesn’t understand his attractions for the same sex, marries a straight woman. (These marriages are referred to as mixed-orientation marriages.) When women are viewed as the ticket to heaven (or exaltation in the Celestial Kingdom), the situation can be quite complex. Emily Pearson, daughter of Carol Lynn Pearson, tells about her experience and the experience of her mom in her I’m an Ex-Mormon video.
I don’t always feel qualified to answer questions on marriage equality and other gay issues, especially when it comes to adoption by gay and lesbians couples: My personal experiences and knowledge are limited. I’ve compiled a series of videos that offer rebuttals to common arguments against gay marriage and other gay issues either through someone telling their story or a representation of true-to-life scenarios and facts. Share these videos on social media to answer questions you don’t feel qualified to answer; it makes a difference.
Zach Wahls of Iowa talks about being raised by two moms. He asks legislators in Iowa:
“You are voting for the first time in the history of our state to codify discrimination into our constitution… Will this vote affect my family? Will it affect yours?”
He further asserts “The sexual orientation of my parents has had zero affect on my character.”
This video from Australia reminds me of significant life events I’ve shared with Dan including our engagement.
This video is touching to me. People briefly mention aspects of the Constitution that uphold gay marriage and then say (something along the lines):
“We are the people of the United States of America. I’m your doctor. I’m your lawyer. I’m your pastor. I’m your neighbor. I’m your kids best friend.”
This video touches me because I don’t always feel supported by pastors, lawyers, neighbors, etc.
This video is also touching to me as I’ve felt numerous times that I need permission from all the people fighting against my marriage to be with Dan.
And here’s a clip from the most progressive show ever: The Golden Girls. If you want to know why men have nipples, this clip has an answer.
Wanda Sykes on gay marriage:
“If you don’t believe in same-sex marriage then don’t marry someone of the same sex… I think the biggest threat to marriage is divorce… Make marriage like the mafia: once you’re in, you’re in.”
Vulgarity warning: Wanda has been known to curse.
These videos are a little longer and more in depth. The man in the video talks about aspects of religious freedom that aren’t threatened by gay marriage. It is basically a rebuttal to Dallin H. Oaks: Oaks cites many of the same cases this guy discusses (e.g., the United Methodist Church case). These are the same cases and arguments distributed in LDS congregations during the time of Prop 8. LDS lawyer Morris Thurston offered his own rebuttal to these same arguments.
Here’s a final video from the CATO Institute which describes how marriage is a fundamental right.
In this post I would like to describe, in a little more detail, my experiences as a same-sex or same-gender attracted (gay) Mormon through the story of Steven Wilson (as interviewed by Steven Densley Junion of the Foundation for Apologetic Information and Research). In short, I would like to tell the story of nearly every gay Mormon and their pursuit of happiness. In the interview (Why would a gay man with AIDS join the [LDS] Church), Wilson describes his experiences of meeting a returned missionary at a gay bar, eventually moving in with him, joining the Church, and how his association with members of the LDS faith helped him abandon “the homosexual lifestyle”.
Wilson’s story isn’t completely unfamiliar to me. I attended support groups (e.g., LDS Family Services, Evergreen) and firesides intended to fortify my relationship with the Church, its leaders, and members. At Evergreen support groups, I learned that if I want to stay in the Church I need to stay single and celibate and wait for the resurrection or marry or woman.
As I became more entangled in Evergreen and other support groups, I learned that it’s possible to pray away the gay. The solution to the gay problem is simple: keep every commandment and get plenty of (nonsexual) healthy touch from other men. Voila! You’re cured. Let me explain the concept of healthy touch (for those who aren’t familiar). The theory behind male homosexuality is gay men didn’t bond enough with their fathers and/or male peers and sexualized their need for male affection to make up for it. So, you need to bond with other men, even get in some “healthy touch” (e.g., hugs, cuddles, holding), to mitigate the sexual attractions. (Be warned: the next video clip has some vulgarity).
I was actually invited to a “holding party” once. Well, two holding parties (but the second wasn’t advertised as a holding party). I didn’t go to the first one because when others described their experiences, it freaked me out. I was informed that I would be held by an older member of the group (as a father might hold a young son in his arms) and I would talk to him about my experience: how does it feel, what am I thinking, what am I feelings, etc. The experiences of others included talking about how it aroused them and learning to “talk through it” rather than fantasize about it. The other holding party didn’t involve older men, so I went. It was an emotional roller coaster as I watched guys (some of whom were engaged to girls at the time) snuggle up with any and everyone present. The sexual tension was high. And what should I have expected? A bunch of gay Mormon guys who aren’t getting any visiting a place far away from home (what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas kind of a thing).
I learned there are a number of additional organizations to help facilitate change in orientation:
Although not all of these organizations are designed to cure same-sex attraction, many gay Mormons recommended these programs to me as helpful in resolving the underlying causes of “the gay”. The most interesting to me is Journey into Manhood (JiM). For those wanting to know exactly what happens at Journey into Manhood weekends, Ted Cox describes his experience with alarming detail. Here’s a thoughtful perspective on JiM by the Original Mohomie. And for the lazy reader, here’s a little clip about JiM:
It’s weird to watch that video clip because I know most of the guys interviewed.
At firesides, I learned that if I want to stay in the Church I need to hate everything that is or might possibly be gay and fight against it. A man at one particular fireside shared a story similar to Wilson’s experience: he lived “the homosexual lifestyle”, turned away from his life as a porn star and addict, and converted to the LDS faith. Like Wilson, he referred to “the gay lifestyle” as a lifestyle of drugs, sex, and rock ‘n’ roll. He encouraged everyone present to avoid the very appearance of evil: don’t date members of the same sex, don’t do drugs, don’t drink alcohol; in short, don’t be gay. At the time, I had already begun dating and learned enough to know that “the gay lifestyle” he spoke of was nothing more than “his lifestyle“. I didn’t think it was fair to pass judgement on an entire group’s lifestyle based on personal experiences.
But I was used to judgement being passed. In Logan, I organized social events which later took on the name “Logansides” — firesides for gay Mormons in Logan, Utah. The firesides were intended to be nothing more than a social gathering for members of the LDS faith who are gay/lesbian or know someone who is gay/lesbian. Advertising was complicated: People not of the LDS faith thought I was starting an ex-gay ministry and people of the LDS faith thought I was spreading the infamous “gay agenda”. And then there were the ultra conservative gay Mormons who were vocal about the fact that I organized firesides and dated men (and eventually married). I learned for myself that it’s next to impossible to unite liberal and conservative Mormons when it comes to this social issue.
In short, what turned me off to the Mormon solution to the gay problem is the unkindness and intolerance experienced at the hand of gay Mormons. Oh, and none of these Mormons solutions I discussed made sense to me. Ultimately, these “solutions” led to an increase of unhappiness and frustration. Thus, I began my own pursuit of happiness that steered me away from the traditional gay Mormon path and away from experiences like those of Steven Wilson.
I didn’t think it was possible to accuse BYU of being too liberal in regards to their stance on social issues like homosexuality. I was wrong. Surprisingly, it seems their efforts to fight “the gay movement” were inspired by their experiences with their son when they learned he is gay. But don’t worry, he found the box that’s gay and crushed it (so now he isn’t gay any more).
Anyway, I wonder how many out there agree with Stephen and Janice Graham of the Standard of Liberty that BYU is too liberal on gay issues (I think I know how many disagree)…