The Mormon missionaries stopped by…

We see Mormon missionaries walking around our complex from time to time and the thought of them stopping by our places generates interesting dialogue around here. We’ll get political with ’em and tell ’em what we think about Prop 8! We’ll tell them not to mess up our chance to have legal rights in Maryland!

Well, it happened and despite all the preparations, it was a little unexpected and threw us off our political groove. And it was only slightly awkward. We don’t get many visitors, so when there’s a knock at the door it means something crazy is about to happen. Dan peeked through the peephole on the door, gasped, and opened the door. Expecting the police, I was surprised when I heard (from the other room) someone ask for Dan by name. Misha bounded for the door, so I went toward the door to snatch him up. And there they were. Missionaries.

I grabbed Misha and stepped into the other room. Mostly to keep Misha from running out the door, but also to keep Dan from hearing me laugh. They asked Dan when he stopped going to church. He replied, “When I married him” and pointed to me. (It was actually before we got married, but he just needed something to say to get them to leave).

They responded about how you’d expect. “Oh…. uh…”

And then they were gone.

What is it like to be gay and Mormon?

I really liked this interview with Joanna Brooks by Kendal Wilcox as part of the Far Between project. Wilcox asks Brooks, “What do you think it’s like to be gay and Mormon?” Brooks replies, “I can’t say for sure, but I think it must be something like this…” and goes on to explain how she felt at BYU when feminists were excommunicated. She really connected to the gay Mormon experience through her own experiences and demonstrates a keen sense of empathy and understanding. This one is worth a watch.

What do real Mormons think of other Mormons who march in gay pride parades and/or support marriage equality?

Facetious though it may be, there at least five kinds of Mormons: liberal-, genuine-, conservative-, orthodox-, and nazi-Mormons. Which Mormons are the real Mormon? The ones who only take the sacrament with the right hand, only bring bland and colorless Cheerios to church to calm their kids, and object to French kissing within the bounds of any marriage whether legal, lawful, or celestial.

Who are the fake Mormons? The ones who believe it’s okay to march along the side people you love and care about. In short, fake Mormons fall left of moderate (and some even have one foot on one side and the other foot on the other side).

That is, at least, how some view the world of Mormonism: you’re either blue or red, cold or hot, black or white, unworthy or worthy. And to love someone (i.e., to be related to someone) who is anything but red, hot, white, or worthy makes you a not-real Mormon. The following is a real-life example of how this ideology plays out in my life.

I’m gay. I have a partner. I was raised in the LDS Church. Members of my family attend LDS meetings, practice their faith, and worship with other Mormons. They love me. And that creates difficulty for them. This is a gray area: there are few official guidelines on how to act and what to say when someone you love is gay and “acting on it”.

There’s also an unwritten rule within Mormonism that you can’t love someone who is living “the gay lifestyle” because you might inadvertently support or condone their sin. This unwritten rule, quite often, plays out in statements made during church meetings and other places Mormons gather.

“I can’t believe Mormons would march in a gay pride parade and still consider themselves Mormon! That is so awful.”

“It’s one thing to love someone with same-sex attraction but it’s another thing to love someone who is acting on it! And it’s disgusting that Mormons would march in gay pride parades!”

What impact do these statement have on the person with a family member is gay, whom they love independent of anything they are or do? It probably creates a hostile church environment, a place that doesn’t feel safe, and a place that should be avoided. As one LDS blogger who marched in a gay pride parade stated:

“[it’s] the attacks from within that have given me more pause about continuing my membership in this gospel than anything else. Be careful with your words. You might think you are just stating how you believe, but there are times when it is truly hurtful and does not work to bring people closer to Christ, but push them further away.”

Ironically, Mormon children around the world sing I’ll Walk With You while Mormon adults chide other Mormon adults who walked with gays.

If you don’t walk as most people do,
Some people walk away from you,
But I won’t! I won’t!

If you don’t talk as most people do,
Some people talk and laugh at you,
But I won’t! I won’t!

I’ll walk with you. I’ll talk with you.
That’s how I’ll show my love for you.

Jesus walked away from none.
He gave his love to ev’ryone.
So I will! I will!

Mormon stand by their message I’ll Walk with You. That’s how I’ll show my love for you. (Photo by JJ, used without permission but I’m sure he’ll forgive me…)

Ironically, Carol Lynn Pearson wrote the song.

“as I wrote [I’ll Walk with You], I also had in mind the little children who, as they grow up, will find themselves of a sexual orientation sure to present a challenge for them in our church and our society”

What impact do these actions have on Mormons with family members who are gay? And what impact do these actions have on gays and lesbians? One Mormon who marched in Capital Pride recalls that we was accosted as he marched.

“one guy in a dark blue shirt busted through several rows of spectators and ran into the middle of our contingent, giving me and a few others HUGE hugs. With tears in his eyes cried out, ‘Oh my gosh, the Mormons are here!… I’m Mormon! I can’t believe you’re here. THANK YOU, SO MUCH.’ He just kept repeating, “‘ can’t believe it… thank you!’ as he cried softly on my shoulder”

Ironically, he was accosted with hugs, smiles, and tears.

A Mormon being accosted by one of those sneaky gays.

Ironically, Dustin Lance Black (writer of Milk, producer of 8, and narrator of 8: The Mormon Proposition) tweeted:

Dustin Lance Black applauds Mormons marching in a gay pride parade in Salt Lake City, Utah.

I wrote about my experience at Capital Pride here. It was cool hearing people cheer on the Mormons screaming things like, “MORMONS! We love you!” They got a lot of attention and way more cheers  and high-fives than any other group of people.

This movement of Mormons walking with people they love will continue.

Mormons plan to march in gay pride parades across the United States (and in Chile).

You wouldn’t expect that actions seemingly contrary to Mormonism are having a huge, positive impact on many. That’s irony. And you wouldn’t expect well-intended statements made by real Mormons to have such a negative impact. That’s also irony.

What it’s like to be a Mormon for marriage equality

This is one of the more powerful commentaries I’ve read on what it’s like to be a Mormon for marriage equality caught in the crossfires of personal conviction, leaders of your church, and other members of your church.

Mostly True Stuff: To my LDS readers.

via Mostly True Stuff: To my LDS readers.

I immediately think of this clip from the movie Saved (below) and this line at the end of the movie:

Mary: So everything that doesn’t fit into some stupid idea of what you think God wants you just try to hide or fix or get rid of? It’s just all too much to live up to. No one fits in one hundred percent of the time. Not even you.
Pastor Skip: I know that, Mary.
Dean: I know in my heart that Jesus still loves me.
Mary: Why would God make us all so different if he wanted us to be the same?

Hilary Faye: Mary, turn away from Satan. Jesus, he loves you.
Mary: You don’t know the first thing about love.
Hilary Faye: [throws a Bible at Mary] I am FILLED with Christ’s love! You are just jealous of my success in the Lord.
Mary: [Mary holds up the Bible] This is not a weapon! You idiot.

Hillary Faye (Mandy Moore) praying for Dean’s faggotry in the movie Saved!

Does the LDS (Mormon) Church have a problem on its hands?

The LDS (Mormon) Church, in 2008, was heavily involved in taking away civil rights from gay and lesbian residents of California.  Rumors suggest the Church is now taking a grassroots approach to save face.  Whether you agree or disagree with the Church’s stance or my analysis of their stance, one thing should be clear: not all Mormons feel the same way about same-sex marriage as The Brethren (e.g., Mormons for Marriage, Mormons for Marriage Equality).  In fact, Mormons are mobilizing to march in pride parads across the country, something I doubt leaders of the Church are happy about.

What does this mean for Mormons? Mormons who support same-sex marriage and Mormons with family and friends in same-sex relationships probably don’t have friends and allies in their congregations. Or do they? I appreciated a discussion on this blog on the topic. I’ll preface my thoughts with the fact that I found this blog through a friend who knows the author, and the author doesn’t know that our common friend is gay. She is probably unaware of the (positive) impact this post had on our common friend.

To summarize, the author hesitantly came out as an ally and supporter of marriage equality. For those who aren’t familiar with LDS culture, coming out as a supporter of marriage equality might warrant being tossed into the lion’s den (so to speak). You are automatically a heretic despite any other belief you might hold. For example, here are responses from the comment section from fellow (Christ-like) Mormons:

“Grow up, get off your computer and raise your kids. You’re about as Mormon as Roseanne Barr.”

“Get a grip and stop mixing what you feel with what is Godly or not. That is your opinion, not Christ principles.”

“I read you are LDS. Is this a fact? Are you active?” [That is to say, do you go to church every Sunday]

“[Do you] really have a true testimony of these prophets and apostles[?]” [That is to say, are you really a Mormon like me]

“Mormons are viewing the gay marriage issue as some sort of gateway drug to apostasy”

The interesting thing about these comments to me is that typically what leads people away from participation in church activities is lack of acceptance of those who differ on political issues. So, the people who made these comments are, is some sense, pushing people into inactivity and apostasy. But that’s a different discussion. I’ll continue with the current discussion.

The cool part of this discussion for me was seeing people come out of the woodwork. People in the same congregation as the author, family members, and friends. In a sense, the author gave them permission to speak up and agree.

“I whole heartedly agree and I am in your ward!”

“I am also in your ward. AND feel EXACTLY like Lexi”

“I know if I were to tell my family and friends that I agree with you, it would cause an uproar”

“I agree…well done, Lexi. It is so much easier for us to keep quiet with our unpopular opinions to avoid others disfavor…but you stepped out there. I’m proud of you!”

“I agree with every single word you said here. I bet you will have more and more people find the courage to speak out and agree with you now that you wrote this. You are paving the way for so many.”

What does this mean for the Church? More and more Mormons are questioning The Brethren and their own faith as they try to align their political and religious beliefs. And it seems that the more the Church pushes against marriage equality the more Mormons leave the faith. And it’s not about testimony or lack of faith; it’s about finding a home among Mormons who don’t accept you because you don’t vote like them.

What needs to happen? Share your input.

Religious explanation for same-sex attraction

There are many theories out there about what causes same-sex attraction (i.e., what makes people gay).  This explanation is probably the best one I’ve heard: evil female spirits that possess the bodies of gay men.  How’s that for parsimony?

A Mormon ponders what causes same-sex attraction: evil female spirits.

What Mormons think about Modern Family (and modern families)

Modern Family is one of the most liberal, family-threatening shows out there.  There’s a good chance your kids will turn gay when they see how Hollywood portrays Cam and Mitch: as a “normal”, happy family.  In case you didn’t get the memo, gay couples can’t be happy and if they seem happy, they’re just faking it.  Gay relationships debase and demean humanity and almost always involve criminal acts.  At least this seems to be what some people think about gays and lesbians and their families (and ABC’s Modern Family).  NOTE: This is not what I think.

The gay dads of ABC's Modern Family: Mitch (left) and Cam (right)

An acquaintance recently interjected his thoughts about the show while I was discussing how funny the show is with a friend: “Modern Family?  You watch that show?!  I’ve heard it’s so irreverent!” For those who might not understand the significance of the word “irreverent” I’ll try to explain it.  In the context of Mormonism, reverence is respect for God.  Irreverence then is disrespect (i.e., Modern Family disrespects God).  But to Mormons, reverence is more than just quietly sitting: it’s thinking of God, praising him, and showing respect for all things he created.  In short, it’s a way of live.  Kids are taught in primary to be reverent (i.e., to sit still and use nice words); to be called irreverent is probably one of the worst things a child could be called.  It’s almost like having a scarlet letter placed on your lapel.  Calling Modern Family irreverent is a strong statement from the Mormon perspective. Was his statement really about the show, though?  No.  It’s about families, and real families don’t include gay families.  In other words, according to Mormons it’s okay to be disrespectful toward gay families because they’re not real families.  It’s okay to write disrespectful comments like this off as “Well, this is what we believe.  If you don’t like it, frick you.”  But they don’t really believe that, right?  Wrong.  Here’s how Boyd K. Packer describes it:

“World leaders and court judges agree that the family must endure if we are to survive. At the same time, they use the words freedom and choice as tools to pry apart the safeguards of the past and loosen up the laws on marriage… In so doing, they promote the very things which threaten the family” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1994, 24; or Ensign, May 1994, 19).

But they’re not really talking about my (same-sex) marriage, right?  From the LDS Newsroom:

“Court decisions in Massachusetts (2004) and California (2008) have allowed same-sex marriages. This trend constitutes a serious threat to marriage and family. The institution of marriage will be weakened, resulting in negative consequences for both adults and children... Traditional marriage is essential to society as a whole, and especially to its children… The legalization of same-sex marriage likely will erode the social identity, gender development, and moral character of children”

They’re also on record (in one of their own publications) as saying:

“[Same-sex relationships] debase and demean those involved… and involve violent and criminal acts”

They’re also on record for using intimidation to enforce compliance.  “We’ll take away your temple recommend if you don’t fall in line” they say.  One Latter-day Saint recalled an experience she had after posting a video on YouTube about a lesson her kids had in primary: I will love others.  She showed a picture of kids of different races encircled with a heart standing hand-in-hand and wonders how it’s possible for her church, which has taught her so much about loving others, to take away marriage from others (i.e., Prop. 8 in California).  She recalled:

“[My local leaders] were directed to [the video] by church headquarters. At the end of some very heart felt discussions, my speaking out with this video threatened my temple recommend and my calling, and I ultimately chose to take it down to protect my standing in the church.”

When called hateful and intolerant for these views, here’s how the LDS Church replied (and yes, this was funded, created, and put out by the LDS Church):

My own experiences in the Church were similar.  I met with a Stake President years ago who told me I don’t have a place in the Church unless I seek out therapy and change my orientation.  He didn’t take time to know what my experiences had been: he assumed that because I’m gay I must have mental health needs (e.g., anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and ideations).  In fact, he said this to me (direct quote): “We don’t want to know what this experience has been like for you.”

So what’s my point?  My point is this: so often members of different religions believe it is okay to poke fun at or speak condescendingly of others who don’t believe like them.  They use intimidation (e.g., sarcasm and social disapproval, threatening to discipline members who disagree on political issues) and shame to create a world of people who walk, talk, and believe like them.  In the words of Mary from the movie Saved:

“everything that doesn’t fit into some stupid idea of what you think God wants you just try to hide or fix or get rid of”

And they can’t handle it when people respond.

It's okay for Christians to be mean as long as they're mean to people God hates.

To any member of any religion who opposes my marriage, let’s have a little respect.  You can call my choices a sin — you’re within your rights to do so — but let’s not vote on whether I should have legal benefits.  And please be respectful toward my family.

You can leave the (LDS) Church but you just can’t leave it alone

A blogger over at Religion Dispatches commented on an ol’ Mormon meme that goes like this: You can leave the church, but you can’t leave it alone (Elder Boyd K. Packer, as quoted by Vaughn J. Featherstone).

"You can leave the Church but you can't leave it alone" (Boyd K. Packer)

The logic is “the (LDS) Church is true”, deep down you know it’s true and can’t deny it, and so you have to keep talking about it to make yourself feel better.  The Religion Dispatches blogger pointed out why this may be the case:

“[The Church] continues to exert its influence in areas that affect my life and the lives of people I love… [and] as long as the church has opinions that move it to action on these topics, I will have opinions on the church’s actions, which I claim the right to express.”

And that explains my relationship with the (LDS) Church: it just can’t seem to leave me alone.  Indirectly, it attacks me every time I read headlines about the LDS Church mingling with politics and marriage equality.  It seems to incite its members to attack, too.  I get one to two emails every month from members of the Church admonishing me and sharing their belief that I can’t find “real” happiness being gay.  I also received an email from a somewhat famous member of the Church who suggested I have “mental health struggles”, and that I lack compassion, integrity, and honesty, which is overshadowed by my mean-spirited, ad-hominen attacks and immature belligerence.  Those are a few of the reasons I can’t leave the Church alone: it doesn’t leave me alone and seem to encourage its members to disturb my peace.  As a more recent example, I was excited to move out of Utah until I learned Mormons are doing the same thing that has been done in other states.

However, I don’t want to discredit members of the LDS Church who have set aside differences to offer compassion and support nor do I want to communicate that all or even most members are like this.  Most of the people near and dear to me are Mormon and just about all of them look past sexuality and differences of belief to extend warmth and compassion.  And they are the Mormons I remember, the Mormons I look up to, and the Mormons I enjoy being around.  I am inspired by their ability to set aside encouragement from their leaders to get involved in the fight against marriage equality to fight for me.

Marriage equality explained by a Christian on YouTube

I really like what this kid–apparently a Christian–had to say about marriage equality.  I think he covers the topic with simple language while getting to the heart of the issue.  He tells the story of a gay couple who parted in a hospital unable to say goodbye because same-sex marriage is not legal.  Religion is a beautiful thing to me when it is used to improve lives and promote equality and social justice.  As the kid in the video said, “The Mennonite Church has made it its mission to mirror the life of Jesus by working with the marginalized and weak–the outcasts of society… I believe that if he were here today, Jesus would be a champion for homosexuals just like he was a champion for women, for the poor, for the weak, and for the unloved.”

Sons of Perdition: Warren Jeffs, polygamy in the FLDS church, and post Mormons

Sons of Perdition is a documentary about polygamy in the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that follows three boys who leave “The Crick” (or Short Creek) and highlights the challenges they face trying to adapt and survive in the real world.  I watched the documentary when it played at the Logan Art Cinema in January 2012 and participated in the question and answer session with the directors Tyler Measom and Jennilynn Merten.

During the question and answer session I asked how accurate HBO’s Big Love portrays polygamy as they (Tyler and Jennilynn) perceive polygamy.  They said Big Love is actually pretty accurate (other than extreme dramatization).  For example, the legal arm of the FLDS church is the United Effort Plan (UEP) and is called the United Effort Brotherhood (UEB) in Big Love.  Big Love also captures the schism and conflict between different sects of polygamist churches.

Bill Henrickson's wives on Big Love (HBO)

Perhaps the most interesting aspect of Sons of Perdition is how well the characters’ experiences align with the experiences of post Mormons.  In fact, the directors commented on this aspect of the film.  Both Tyler and Jennilynn grew up in the mainstream LDS Church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) and later left the Church.  They felt they could identify with the kids in the documentary because they themselves felt ostracized and even exiled by their families and members of their faith.  Tyler explains in his own words.

One challenge mainstream Mormons face (and probably FLDS Mormons as well) is difference of belief and religious opinion within a marriage.  I really like what this couple had to say about their experience and how their experience parallels experiences discussed in the documentary.  I like the hope these videos communicate: despite a crisis of faith, you can survive and so can your relationships with people you love no matter which side of the faith divide they stand on.