Discrimination against gay couples: oh, what’s in a (change of) name?

Dan and I have been offered jobs in Maryland, which has spurred a few important discussion in our home.  Same-sex marriage will soon be legal in Maryland, and same-sex marriage is legal in a few close-by areas including Massachusetts and Washington D.C. This brings up questions about our last names: What should we do — hyphenate? Pick one of our last names? Or take a completely new last name?

After a little research I learned it’s not quite that easy for same-sex couples to change their last names after marriage.  Having the same last name might make it easier if one of us were ever admitted to a hospital; having a hyphenated last name might make it more likely for us to face discrimination, and having different last names will definitely not help in that situation. One gay couple took on the same last name so they could tell hospital workers they are sisters (in case one of them is ever hospitalized).

Reports from couples online suggest name changes for gays and lesbians are pretty impractical when dealing with government documents on a federal level and often involves stressful court appearances.

“I was excited and nervous at the same time. I was about to become a Palladino! But what if this judge took one look at me and decided to take my very small but important right away, when I barely have any to stand on as it is, when it comes to my marriage with Maria? I was petrified. My name was called, and I had to go before the judge. He was a mere two feet away from my face as he hummed along to a strange tune while he read through my statement.”

One couple reported their passport applications were denied; they had to go to court and explain the reasons why they wanted to change their names. As part of that process they had to publish their intent to change their names in a local newspaper once each week for four weeks: the same thing other people have to do if they want to change their name if that process doesn’t involve marriage. The couple reported “the process was long and an unnecessary reminder that things aren’t exactly equal.”

But what’s in a name? Why would we want to change our names? To me it’s a symbol of a union and a public declaration that we’re establishing our own family and a future together. Because same-sex marriage isn’t recognized on a federal level, it’s the closest thing to marriage we can do to make some kind of official, public declaration of our union and commitment. To all the straight couples out there, you’re lucky the process is a little more simple. I hope for a future time when it’s more simple for gay couples to change their last names, a time when the process is equal.

Whether gay or straight, what was your experience like when you changed your last name (including decisions leading up to the change of name)?

Will my baby be gay?

I thought this video did a good job describing fears parents have when they learn their child is gay or lesbian.  It also captures the “ah ha!” moment when parents realize that having a gay or lesbian child isn’t all that bad.

Marriage equality: it’s time

Dan wrote a brief post on two approaches to marriage equality: one involves emphasis on equal rights and the other involves a comparison of commitment between gay and straight relationships.  It will be interesting to see what happens as this second approach gains more and more attention.

Have Mormons faced the same degree of persecution as gays?

A friend of mine made a good observation about similarities between gays and Mormons at his blog Listening to Who I am.  He says “…the story of the rise of [San Francisco] as a gay capital of the US should resonate like crazy with Mormons.  It’s the story of a people who were rejected by their families and friends, who left home and gathered in one place where they felt like they could more safely be themselves.  One of the reasons the Mormon pioneers were persecuted was because people were very uncomfortable with the way early Mormons tried to redefine marriage.”

Do Mormons agree that persecution of early saints is similar to persecution of gays?

I suspect, based on a previous conversation on Facebook (above) and dialogue at the Daily Universe several years back (below), that many Mormons are not too keen on the idea that the persecution early Latter-day saints faced is similar to the persecution gays faced.  Austin posted this article to which a BYU professor responded:

Maybe we need a different “call for compassion.”  …Let’s have compassion on those who have been denigrated, pilloried and belittled for defending traditional marriage. Let’s have compassion on those who have been persecuted for daring to express family values in public. Let’s have compassion on those whose vehicles were vandalized and whose safety was threatened because they voted for Proposition 8 in California. …Let’s have compassion on the Boy Scouts of America whose United Way funds were cut because they would not bow to the sons of Sodom and the gods of Gomorrah. Let’s have compassion for those who are mocked for promoting the Family Proclamation.

Despite earlier evidences that turn me off to what Mormons might say on the subject, I’m still curious to know what Mormons think.

**UPDATE** 12/17/2011

I just recalled a letter to the editor in my local newspaper that hits on this topic.  The letter was published in the Herald Journal written by Laloni Stott.  The title of the letter is Gays not like early Mormons.  Stott argued that early Mormons faced more persecution than gays.  To support her claim she posited that opponents of Prop 8 in California retaliated against Mormons:

They were attacked in their cars. Their kids were targeted at their schools.

I contacted her via Facebook for clarification on her points.  In regard to persecution Mormons suffered at the hand of opponents of Prop 8, she said:

LDS Ward lists were distributed among antiprop 8 groups. The ward lists contained addresses and phone numbers along with the children in the families and their ages. I am assuming that is how they got the info about the kids at the schools. Many kids were confronted and taunted for their “hateful” religious beliefs by their peers at school.

Phone calls were made to LDS households with hateful diatribe, crude language, etc.

The posters that were put on the lawns of some of the LDS people had graphic sexual pics with profane language.

I had a brother-in-law peacefully gather with some supporters of prop 8 and they held signs up on a corner. They had stuff thrown at them and they were pushed around and spit on by some who got out of their cars. They were also yelled at with some of the grossest language.

As some LDS members left church they had protesters of the LDS church standing at the exits of the parking lot hitting the cars, throwing things, and there was a lot of yucky language describing what they thought of the LDS church and their members…

I have ancestors who gave every last thing up, left their homes, lost family members, lost feet, etc. as they crossed the plains. They were trying to get away from those who were murdering and raping their families. Their homes and buildings were being torched… I do not see ANY similarity.

So what do you think?  Can Mormons and gays resonate with one another over the persecution they faced?

Encouraging Heterosexuality: Beating Gay Children Discouraged

It goes without saying that parents are afraid of at least one thing: the possibility that one of their children may one day identify as gay or lesbian.  It is easy to understand the fear.  Will my child be bullied at school?  Will he be fired from a job for being gay?  Will she be denied academic opportunities because she is lesbian?  Will he fall victim to hate crimes like Mathew Shepard?

Some of the fears might be based on the possibility of unrealized expectations: Will I have grandchildren?  Will I have a daughter- or son-in-law?  For LDS (Mormon) parents these last questions have eternal importance:  Will I be in heaven with my gay child in the next life?  Will he or she be sealed to a companion (of opposite gender) for eternity?  Or will my child go to the Telestial Kingdom?  In short, what would you do if your child is that one — the one who is gay?

Perhaps these questions fueled the publication of the book Encouraging Heterosexuality: Helping Children Develop a Traditional Sexual Orientation.  This book, as you might guess from the title, is about an “approach which…demonstrates how faith, tradition and science are complementary in the search for what is best for children” (DeseretBook.com).  Deseret Book also notes that “Their message is… parents can prefer and encourage heterosexuality in their children and can do so without disrespect of criticism for those who believe or differently [sic]”.

I don’t disagree with Deseret Book: parents really can do all those things.  Many probably have and many more will with support and permission from Deseret Book and the authors.  My question is about the ethics behind encouraging a child to become heterosexual, especially when those methods assume that “most of those who later identify as homosexual report gender nonconformity in their histories”.

In my opinion, the mechanism behind encouraging heterosexuality in children is negative reinforcement.  I’m not referring to the mechanism that controls the behavior of the child but the mechanism that controls the behavior of the parent.  That is, “If I engage in behavior X (e.g., removal of feminine toys) then my child will stop engaging in behavior Y (e.g., playing with feminine toys).”  Negative reinforcement, by definition, increases the likelihood (so long as the child’s behavior is stops) that the parent will continue to engage in behavior X.

The ethical component comes in when the child’s behavior ceases for a time: what effect will this have on the parent’s behavior?  He or she is more likely to increase the intensity of their behavior (extinction burst).  And should that behavior come in contact with reinforcement as a result of the extinction burst, the behavior will continue to be shaped up and become more intense until the parent resorts to punishment.

Punishment procedures have even been used.  Read for yourself in the actual study from the publication on page 180 using the search term “spanking” or “physical punishment”. And what happened at in-home therapy sessions?  Siblings report their brother was beaten rather than spanked for engaging in feminine behavior at home.  Not surprisingly, this child committed suicide later in life.

So should we encourage heterosexuality in children?  I don’t know.  But I do know we need to be careful about how we treat children.  The consequences speak for themselves.

Hopefully we follow the example of Linda from the video above:

“God, please help me find the right words!  Don’t let me screw this up!  I wanted to tear into him!  Instead, she reports “I felt loving arms embrace us both… That moment lasted for hours with the only words spoken…

It’s okay.  I love you.“